I haven’t been up to much today. I went to church and then I’ve been writing essays all day to make scholarship deadlines. There is something very humbling about writing for money and trying to convince people to give you money.

The end of the year is coming pretty quickly and so comes the evaluating of the year and the decision to make changes in life. In some ways this was a great year, but on the other hand I know I dropped the ball on many occasions. Sometimes I wonder why God still bothers with me, but then again I thank Him everyday that He does.

Life at home is very different then life at school. At school, at any given moment, I can walk down the hall and find twenty people willing to hang out. Here at home I walk around and its like, “Hey dad…oh hey mom…wow, there’s dad again.” Relaxation is one thing but having absolutely nothing to do is quite another altogether.

I have been getting together with my friends from high school and I’ve had a lot of fun with them. It is really cool to sort of get to know each other all over again. In high school our friendships were based on doing things together, but now the deep stuff is coming…we are learning who each other are and it’s great. It’s funny how there are some friendships that you can have not kept in touch for a year and then see each other and just pick up like no time has passed and then there are others that you just have to keep in touch with the person because you love hearing about them and from them so much.

Today I was also able to talk with a few friends from school who I hadn’t talked to since going on break. Within the last couple days I’ve reconnected with a few people that I haven’t seen/talked with in years…like my old best friend from junior high and I are getting together tomorrow, we haven’t seen each other in two years. I guess that’s been what break has been about for me, reconnecting. Well not so much reconnecting as looking at roots and seeing if they are deep ones or seeing if they will be easily ripped out. If they are deep then I’m going to pour on the fertilizer.

Hanging out with friends has been fabulous as has spending time with family and just plain relaxing. But by far my favorite part of break has been being able to spend quality time with Matt. It’s funny because we’ve been on the same 111 acres all semester but with both our schedules we have a difficult time finding time. I love spending time with that man even if I’m in an abnormal mood or if we’re just wasting time – there is no one I’d rather waste time with than him.

Buying a car is tricky. A friend of mine offered me her car for $300 and I jumped at it. Then I was asked to wait four months for it, and I did. Then I got a call yesterday that said the car wasn’t doing well, needed new tires – but she’d be happy to tack on that to the price and still sell it to me in January.

Now I do need a car, but buying a car seems like this cycle. You need money to buy a quality car, but you need a car to get enough money. I know….it’s rocket science my friends.

So if I buy this car for now about $500-$600 then what? It’s a 1990 and is bound to have problems.

My brother-in-law says I can buy his pick-up truck from him, which would be cheap, but one it’s a stick shift (which I don’t have a clue how to drive) and two it’s old and on it’s way out too.

To buy or not to buy is the question that still hangs.

Arrows that I meant to send at the enemy I misfired and ended up stinging the person who means the most to me. I played the forsaken when it was I alone who asked my army to go home. I told them, “I can take this one alone,” but I was sorely wrong.

I got so caught up in looking back at past failures and forward at an unknown future that I didn’t look beside me to see all those who cared about me right there cheering me on. I lost sight of gifts and I overlooked my greatest blessing; my best friend.

A good friend told me that I seem to get stuck in tunnel vision when I’m writing and I think that she was right. I’ve let my thoughts be unclear and irrational – I’ve let my mind wander down paths it shouldn’t have.

Today I’m broken and have been humbled, and even though it doesn’t feel good - those are the best grounds for God to work and build on. I’m His for the changing.

Want to know my greatest weakness? For some reason I feel so ready to share this – maybe the late hour and stress makes me more open…who knows. I think my greatest weakness is that I do not know how to fight for something; I give up really easily.

The funeral knell has sounded in so many areas of my life. It has sounded in my involvement with sports, and drama. In horseback-riding and is some friendships and soon to be writing. It is a sound I do not like to hear but defeat is no stranger to me.

Once again in my life I feel like I am being conquered. There are so many things I just want to give-up and give-in on right now and sometimes the will to fight even alludes me. I’m just a struggling sinner guys.

Yet in the distance, if I tilt my head ever so slightly, I can hear them: trumpets. They are trumpets that call me to battle and trumpets that speak of an already known victory. But oh its difficult to tilt my head just right and listen for them. It’s much easier to look at the enemy with their swords drawn and shrink back.

Well maybe I’ll rumble with these dragons alone, or maybe I’ll shrink back and give them the room they want. As for now…I’m just going to bed.

I wanted to thank Brad Gross (this will all sound familiar to you buddy) whom I am in the middle of a great conversation with right now! Brad and I were talking about the American Dream and how much of a dream it really isn't. It all comes down to the fact that I care jack about the American Dream - how could anyone once the living Word has trickled into your blood? I don't understand the stagnancy or apathy that prevails in our country when we have the most access to the Bible. God's placed before us an ocean and I want to live THAT out.....not some baby pool American Dream. I have so much passion to go out into the world...learn to talk about God to others in a foreign tongue..give my last dollar to someone who needs it more then I do...wrap my arms around a child who needs to see what love looks like…pour water into the mouth of a man with parched lips…am I making any sense?

Brad says that I let fear confuse me and I'm wondering if that's right. What do I have to fear? When I was younger and use to go rock climbing at Devil's Lake I use to climb on until I would reach a point that was high and risky - usually then I'd ask my belayor to let me down but they knew me too well and would stand just as stubborn as I profess myself to be and would not let me down. After a few moment's of frustration I would start humming a song that's well known in Muckwonago Wisconsin (yeah Phantom Ranch)..."fear not for I am with you, fear not for I am with you says the Lord." All but once did I then press on and finish the climb. My final climb I did not press on though, instead I burst into tears of frustration and exhaustion (I'd been up since four in the morning) and begged my belayor to let me down. It was a climb I had done before and I could have kissed the carabiner that day but instead my feet hit solid ground and I sat with my arms curled around my legs in regret the rest of the day. I had let fear confuse me.

This climb that I'm facing is a great one. It's one that will be tough and it'll make me sweat and strain my mind but when my lips touch the carabiner it'll be a sweet sweet victory. God's a trustworthy belayor - he sees the footholds and he's going to call them out to me when I get to a point where I can reach them. I might hit an overhang, I might have a screamer, or I may need to climb traverse, but no matter what, now its cliff time...time to just hang on and wait, and if my arm muscles begin to spasm then I need to rest in the knowledge that my Belayor is strong enough...even if I am not.

It’s been a good day – lots of “divine appointments” in the last few days. Isn’t is great to see how God brings about conversations and just makes things happen even when you don’t have a clue what’s going on? Like a minute ago I just got a phone call from a lady looking for “Amy.” Well there is no Amy at my number but then the lady goes, “well do you baby-sit?” After I told her I did she offered me a babysitting job for all of next semester…just like that. She said it was her greatest mistake of the day! Take that with a side order of my on campus job bumping me from 7 hours a week to 14 hours and that equals out to God totally providing for me next semester. He always does.

I don’t know what I’m doing this summer. I have options to stay here at school for the summer, or I can go home again and take a community college course. Then my camp just emailed me with a proposal for my position next summer and that is so tempting. Some part of me is always longing to do something like that with my time. There is something about concrete and cinderblocks that oppresses the soul. A part of me would love to spend my summer with my aunt in the Philippines and another part of me is nudging me to go work on the mission with Amber. Still another part is urging me to search out some camp ministry that I have never tried before – like a camp in Vermont or Arizona or something. Then this sensible element in me tells me that I need to make money and that if I want a car that I need to do something like my beginning thoughts.

There is a balance that I have yet to grasp. The balance lies between a mind of reason and a heart of passion. Which one do you follow and is there a way to get them to mesh? What does a person do if they possess both…they seem to always be at war within me. Every beat of my heart (that sounds corny but go with me here) tells me to head off to doing something out of the norm…something I’m passionate about like missions or camp ministry, and then my mind kicks in and talks about responsibilities and logic. It makes no sense to work at a camp and be paid $160 a week when I can make $300 a week here. But will my soul suffer here…that is left unknown.

Forgive my ramblings. I am so mixed up and have so much on my mind right now; this is just one of many issues I’m besieged with right now. If you have any wisdom then feel free to advise me and pray for me about all that’s on my mind.

This may seem completely contradictory if you read my last blog entry – but that’s just it, life changes from day to day. One day the same thing may encourage you even though the day before the same thing was your downfall.

I’ve just been thinking today about the quality friends that I have in my life. I was thinking about when Jesus faced his most distressing time what did he do? What he did was gather together his closest friends and brought them with him – to support him during his greatest time of sorrow. After thinking about Christ’s actions, I asked myself who were my friends that would “sit in the garden with me” when my time arrives. I was relieved when a few names came to mind. God has blessed me with a couple core people who would have no problem looking me in the eye and saying, “I will help you travel to the place where your demons are and I will help you defeat them.”

Do you have friends who will sit in the garden with you…who will battle demons with you if the need arises? If you don’t I wish you would begin to be truly open with people and vulnerable. It’s one of the scariest and most rewarding ways to live.

One more week of classes left to tackle and then it’s just a sprint ‘til the end of this semester. Oh! I need to share some excitement with you! My friend, Rose, from camp might be coming to visit me Thursday night. It would be so wonderful because Rose is one of those rare friends that you can spend a year with and never grow tired of, and then if you don’t talk for a year and see each other it’s as if no time has passed at all. Most of my camp friends are like that – I love you guys so much and miss you…cannot wait for the New Years party!

Sometimes I think that humans are very odd creatures. Like me for example - how is it that even though I was surrounded by people all day, and I know there are people out there who care about me - how is it then that I felt so alone all day, so shut out by everyone. Why is that? I felt like an afterthought. It was one of those days when there is absolutely nothing significant and nothing to complain about but still all you want to do is curl up against someone and feel their strong hand on your back. That's how I've been feeling all week. Do you ever feel like that?

Ever feel like everyone is depending on you and you get scared because you realize that you're just not strong enough and you're going to let someone down. And you've been taking care of everyone and then you've set yourself up as this strong person so people don't think they need to come along you or watch out for you? I feel like that right now. Like if I walked away from it all people would notice I was gone only because I wasn't there to do something for them. It's foolishness I know - complete madness, because I really am fine and it's all probably just something I ate that is making me feel like this...maybe the late hour. I just don't fit anywhere - I don't fit at home anymore, I don't fit with camp people anymore, and I don't feel like I fit at school anymore either. It feels like I'm easy to forget.

Through it all I have so much pending in my mind. So much school work to hurdle, appointments to be at, money to make at work...feels like I'm throwing my time in all the wrong directions. Matthew is incredible and at times I'm just a downright horrible girlfriend. The few minutes I get to spend with him are priceless and yet I let the jumble of life take up time that I should devote to him. Tonight I just wish I was more interesting and captivating. Sorry, I feel like I'm throwing a pity party and that's really not what this was meant to be. I just wanted to be honest with my thoughts. Writing things down helps me better understand myself and this is just sounds like a mess.

I want to be daddy's little girl tonight. I want to be tucked in and told that I'm loved; to be kissed on the forehead and drift off feeling secure. Instead I'm here alone surrounded by cinderblocks in this dimly lit room. I have work to get done before I can think about crawling between my bedsheets. At least its not cold in here, and I'm listening to some quality Bebo Norman, "There’s never a day away from you that I’m not a complete mess. If ever I stay away from you its only emptiness. ‘Cause love last longer, and love stands stronger then anything that’s in between us. There’s never a day away from you. ‘Cause girl you surround me..."

Alright - I'm off to write a paper and put my game face on. Reminds me of the Robert Frost poem.."and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep..." Night all.

“my grace is sufficient for thee”

The idea that grace is dangerous has been on my mind. Imagine with me that you have lived in a neighborhood for a year now. A new neighbor moves in next door and you find out that he is a convicted murderer that has just escaped from jail (throw reason to the wind here and just imagine with me). What would you do? Would you bring over a pie to him? Would you let your children go to his house? Would you invite him over for dinner? I don’t know what you would do, but I know I would make sure my doors were locked tight each night. What if this man broke into your house at night and stole your most valuable possession….wouldn’t you call the cops? I sure would.

Now for the shocker…I’m that convict. To God; I’m that convicted murderer. Grace is dangerous though because God keeps his doors unlocked at night, and God has me over for stake dinners, and God let’s me baby-sit his precious children. I brake into his home at night and steal from him, and he wakes up and tells me not to leave without the rest of his valuables, and when I wake up the next morning he has placed the rest of his silver on my front door with a note inviting me over for lunch.

That’s grace. Grace does not look through the scum to find what is good – grace sees the scum and accepts it “as is” with no mandatory change. Grace says that I don’t need to try to be acceptable to God because I am fine “as is”…not that I have a free ticket then to sin, but through that understanding of grace I stand in awe and it is by and through that grace that I am molded and formed….not for it, or to get it, but because of it.

Grace cannot be worked for it is always there because when Christ said, “it is finished” he did not mean his life, he meant our attempt to be acceptable to God – we have the acceptance, we don’t need to work for it – it is finished.

And that my friends, puts a whole new meaning to “my grace is sufficient for thee.”

Well I don't really have anything to write about but I feel like writing anyway, so this might be some quality rambling...or not so quality, either way I'm still writing. I like being back at school...isn't that odd? Everyone says they are mad to be back at school, and its not like I didn't have fun at home - I really enjoyed being at home over break, but my life is here.

It's December...isn't that nuts? I cannot believe that Christmas will be in twenty-some days. Time flies - and everyone always says that but it is so true. I'm almost half way through my second year of college...that's insane. Before I know it it'll be time for the "real world" and I don't even have a clue what I'm doing. I have no clue where my life is headed or what direction I should be going in, but that's just it..its okay not to know. I figure as long as I'm following God with my next footstep, He'll chart out the path. All I need to "worry" about is that next footstep, not the next mile.

Listening to a fabulous song. I must say its probably one of my favorites...Rich Mullens (is that how you spell it?) "If I stand let me stand on the promise that you will pull me though, and if I fall, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you. And if I sing let me sing for the joy that is born in me this song, and if I weep let it be as a man who is longing for home." I cannot think of a better ending to the day then that thought.

I use to think that I was really strong, but I’ve been thinking about the difference between what it means to be a strong and a weak person and I now think I was all wrong. I thought I was strong because I insisted on doing everything on my own, and never asking for help. That’s not strong – that’s stubborn and stupid.

A strong person is someone who doesn’t hesitate to ask for help. This makes them a strong person because they are strong enough to face rejection and what people may think. It is the weak person who sits alone and keeps their problems alone. They are too weak to be vulnerable.

Today a very beautiful woman sat in front of me in church. I found my mind wandering and wondering why I wasn’t made to look like her. She had perfectly in-place blond hair, she was probably a size 3/4, and the word delicate came to mind. Finally I snapped myself out of comparing and told myself that it was ridiculous to concentrate on stuff like that. Frankly, I’ll never be a size 3/4, and I’ll never be able to be described as delicate. I will always have freckles and be better described as solid…its just me. It really made me remember how important the inner traits of a person are and how that’s what I need to be growing in myself because that is what I can control.

Well it’s back to school today – I’m ready to go back, but hopefully not before I get to see Lee. I have to finish some homework, visit Lee, do a little shopping, and then head back to school – can’t wait! In all honesty, I’m just anxious to see Matt again.