Spring break…a week and a half of no agenda and no responsibilities. It could not have come at a better and more needed time. I will really appreciate this break.

It’s funny that that’s how life works. I will appreciate break all the more because I’ve been through a busy and stressful semester. We appreciate spring because we’ve had to make it through the bitterness of winter. I might not have enjoyed break if I hadn’t of put all the hard work in before hand, and we may never learn to value spring if we didn’t have to bare it through the cold winds of January. Yet even in the harshness of winter we can find beauty.

That’s life as a Christian isn’t it? We appreciate God’s blessings so much more after we’ve made it through testing and trials. And we can find beauty when life seems to be in turmoil because we can find God’s hand even in tough times.

I’m thinking about winters in my life at present and they are not fun, but spring is going to be amazing.

If you’re wondering…my sermon went really well. I wasn’t nervous – to be quite honest I love being up in front talking. Tonight I sleep in my old house and tomorrow I drive to Iowa (I love Travis Waters)!

A word to the women who read this, and men, I guess you can continue to read too. Let’s face it, our greatest and longest struggle as women is our battle with self-image. The other day when I was talking with a friend she said that it is a struggle we will always have and always be fighting. This got me to thinking...does this mean that there is never victory for a woman over self-worth issues? I certainly think there is and I think I have found the key to victory.

So often we try to battle the fact that we have thoughts that bring us down. We go into the fight saying that we just need to stop having these thoughts. That is why we fail, because Satan will always be whispering these ideas to you, there will always be a temptation. The fight is not about never tripping across an idea but it is in learning what to do when that idea is whispered to you.

I’ve seen so many girls give into this sin of letting self-image become an idol in their life. So often it seems like this is the Goliath for us women. We make excuses and say that this is too big of an issue..media and men are to blame for the way we feel about our bodies. We have given into Goliath’s mocks “If I win you will become my slave.” We forget the rest of what Goliath said though, “but if you win I’ll be your slave.”

Little David looked like he didn’t stand a chance. He saw Goliath and became furious, “Who is he that he should defy the living God!” Girls, let me hit a cord here...we defy God when we say we aren’t worth anything and when we say we aren’t made right because God told us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. There are no mistakes.

David stood up and shouted, “don’t loose heart guys..I will fight him. The Lord has delivered me from lions and He’ll deliver me from this too.” When we fall into our normal thinking about our bodies and worth we turn our backs on all God has brought us through...if we’ve trusted Him to fix our brokeness in other areas of life, why not here too?

We must know how to fight and that’s the clincher. David knew that normal means wouldn’t do with Goliath, so instead he picked up five smooth stones. We so often try to fight body-image through exercising, eating right, and complements...but that’s not how we should fight! Those will all lead to slavery.

When David walked up to the battle he was confident, “This day the Lord will hand you (Goliath) over to me. The battle belongs to the Lord.”

I’ve been long winded and I don’t even know if I got my point across. I am so tired of seeing this be an ongoing battle for all my girlfriends and just wanted to tell you from experience that victory is possible and it tastes very very sweet.

*sigh* Another day of classes out of the way. Don’t you hate it when life gets so busy that you catch yourself thinking that it is humdrum. I caught myself just going through the motions of being alive today and functioning. It’s the devil’s greatest trick to make us feel like today doesn’t matter, and that life is rhythmic. When the fact is really that if today didn’t matter in the Kingdom then God wouldn’t have woken you up today. If there wasn’t a reason for you to be here today then He wouldn’t give you another breath. I fall short of viewing life like that everyday.

Alright…tonight I get to work on my sermon. Do you know how to prepare a sermon because I sure don’t. Alas, I will get it done. Off to dinner!!

Final note on this topic: If you feel you must attack me then do so, but don’t you dare ever bring someone I love into it too.

All I ever wanted to do with this blog was to be open with those around me to what goes on in my life and my mind and to share with anyone reading what God has been doing in my heart and life.

That’s all I ever wanted but I guess we don’t always get what we want.

This is not a forum for attacking. This is not a forum for belittling. I’m sorry for the times that I have used it as such. What goes around comes around and it doesn’t feel good.

Pray for me friends. I am looking down the barrel of a difficult week. I have an RA interview at eight in the morning tomorrow, on top of a couple huge projects and tests this week, stuff with the youth group is bothering me, as well as some other issues. I haven’t been this stressed out in a long time and when I’m this stressed I loose my appetite and its just no good.

But at the end of the day, no matter what has transpired, I can rest in the knowledge that God was glorified and He is still in control.

Two pet peeves:

1) When the water temperature changes without warning in the shower.

2) When someone, day after day, puts their nasty wet washcloth on your toothbrush – I don’t know who it is in my suite that does it to my toothbrush, but it’s the sickest thing in the world.

What do you do when you get love letters? If you’re like me you keep them, cherish them, read them again and again. Why doesn’t this carry over into our love life with our Savior? God sends us love letters all through out the day and we choose to not even read them let alone cherish them.

He wrote to me today. He wrote his love in the tiny sparkling snowflakes that waltzed in the air as I walked into church this morning. He wrote in the giggles of the girls in my youth group, and their voices as they praised Him this morning. He wrote to me in the smile of my best friend, and in the warmth in fellowship over lunch. He wrote in the sweet smell that the wind carried as I walked back to my dorm. He wrote in a friend telling me they had been thinking about me this weekend.

He writes right now with every easy breath I take.

Often I go throughout my day passing by all the letters He’s posted up for me. How dare I choose to willingly miss the love notes He sends me with every minute of life, how dare I take His love for granted.

I’m convinced that your state of joy depends more on what you see around you then how you feel. I have felt lonely in the last week but that does not detract from my joy. I have felt hurt and confusion but that does not swelter my excitement in God – because guys, He loves me, and as if dying for me didn’t prove it enough, He shows me again and again every time I really open my eyes.

When a horse is stuck in deep mud you have to encourage them out of it. If they stay in the mud they usually die from breaking their legs when it sets and they try to struggle free. I don’t have the strength to lift a horse out of deep mud. All I can do is guide it out and coax it to continue, but its up to the horse if they want to continue. I’ve seen stubborn horses die this way, and I’ve seen willing horses come out of it all completely fine.

For a good portion of my life I have been trying to help people who didn’t want to be helped. They either weren’t ready or simply refused it and yet I would often butt my way in because I saw a need.

What finally put me in my place was when I was reading through the gospels and noticed that before Christ would heal a person he would ask the same question, “Do you want to be made well?” Then after he had healed them he would tell them to go off quietly, “You’ve been healed according to your faith.”

I have forced help onto those that would answer Christ’s question with a no. That is why I have found myself weary time and time again.

Freedom. When coupled with spirituality I’ll admit that I’ve slipped into thinking of it as a future term: “I will be free.” Christ holds out his hands and offers freedom and I say that I’ll take it later. He came to set the captives free, but just as he flings open our cells we close the doors again. Its safer living locked away – there will not be surprises in such a life. But we aren’t called to a life of safety, as we’ve all learned from C.S. Lewis, our God isn’t safe but he’s good.

How often I’ve set out like a bird to build my nest the way that I want to when a birdhouse has already been set out for me. Instead of using the birdhouse I go in search for what I think I need and I think my dreamboat has come when I find a long string – but soon that string that I thought was my “god-sent” becomes wrapped around me. I’m so caught up in it that I can no longer move. My goal is no longer to build my nest but just to free myself of the string and the more I beat against it the more tangled I become.

Pretty pathetic huh? But, that man who put up the birdhouse for me sees my plight and scoops me up. I try to run from him, but I’m so jumbled that I can’t. He holds me tightly until I calm down, I’m frightened he’ll hurt me, but instead he gently takes the rope from around me and then sets me free. I’m gone with no thanks.

The man cleans up the string and throws it away, but will I find another sting that looks too good to pass up? Why can’t I just go to the birdhouse that’s set up for me?

Good night friends. Tonight I sleep in freedom, and tomorrow when I wake up I will choose to walk out of that cell and live in freedom and breath the joy that comes from such a life.

I have a theory that I must pass by all the girls that read this. I am quite convinced now that there is a little man that comes at night and changes all our mirrors. I know he does it to mine.

Some nights he sneaks in and puts up ‘cute mirrors’ these are the mirrors when you look into them you can’t help but saying, “wow, I’m really cute.” Then the next day the little guy snickers as he replaces the cute mirrors with the ‘fat mirrors’…we know what we see when we look into those: “man, they can see my thighs from space.” There are plenty other mirrors that he puts up and we know them all too well.

I purpose that we ambush this little man, preferably on a day that he’s hung up cute mirrors, and do away with him all together. Let’s start a petition or something.

Thanks for humoring me and reading this far. As much as I deny any girlieness that I have it is still there. I’m glad God has patience with me because at times even I don’t.

Humility is a scary concept because humility will always involve discomfort. Yet that is the clothes God wants us to wrap around us. He calls me to put it on and like a spoiled kid I tell Him its not in style to wear humility – pride is more comfortable and stylish, pride just plane feels better and its what I’ve always worn so why not just stick with the tried and true.

God whispers. “Since I so loved you, you need to love others. Jess, my love is going to be complete through you if you love others (1 John).” Alright God, love others, that’s not a big deal…loving people comes naturally. I’ve got that one under my cap God, no problem.

Wait though…love and humility go hand in hand. “Jess, I showed my love by letting my son atone. Know what that means? He got kicked around, he was falsely accused and didn’t fight back; he was treated horribly. That’s love – is that what you do?”

Love is a much harder concept then we choose to believe it as. We organize our lives around selfish desires and then feel like we are meeting the “love one another” quota because we go out of our way to serve a person or give that smile or pray for another. Jesus was our example of true love though, he gave of himself whenever the call arose and he beckons us into a life of the same.

True love is not a feeling; it is a constant attitude of giving ourselves for others without taking time to ever count the costs. Now that puts a much different twist onto “I love you.”

The only thing that kept me in my seat today was respect for authority. He had no right to make assumptions about people’s beliefs and then teach them as truth without backing up his opinions with the Bible. He has no right to test us on a doctrine that he claims as his but we do not agree with. How could he stand up in front of a classroom full of people and belittle what I believe without even giving good reason – I could have gone up there and taught the lesson five times better…know why? I would have cracked out the Bible and taught with that – not with human thought which we’ve seen from our beginnings is fouled. I was so close to walking out of that class today; that shouldn’t happen here.

Isn’t it funny that it helps to know that you’re missed? It helps to know I’m not the only one feeling/thinking that way. Helps more than you know.

Just wanted to thank Travis for signing my guestbook once again! Speaking of Travis I had a delightful time hanging out with him last night. We hadn’t been able to just hang out together in a long time and now its decided that we should do so more often. Travis said a sweet thing to me yesterday that I must share with the reading female populous. We were talking about the book Wild at Heart and how a man should fight for a woman. We talked about what makes a girl worth fighting for and then Travis says to me, “You’re a girl worth fighting for Jessica, but it’s not my fight.” Needless to say, that made my night.

Had fun talking with Ang until 2am. She is such a great person. One of those rare people that I could hang out with every minute of my day and still find stuff to talk about and the person not grow “old.” Ang, thanks for always listening to me go on and on, even if it’s about the same subjects. Thanks for being a person of character and depth.

Question. Why do youth groups only teach topically these days? If you only teach topics you never get the big picture of the wholisticness of the Bible. In topics, youths learn to treat the Bible as an “ask Jeeves” – they pick a topic, say smoking, and then search the Bible for a verse that they can apply to it because that’s how they’ve always been taught to treat the Bible. Then they are exasperated when they don’t find a clear-cut verse that answers their question. A kid in my youth group told me that they like to find verses in the Bible and sees them as “good quotes” to remember. “Just like an inspirational quote you’d find on people’s profiles.” Shall I rip my hair out now or later?

I’ve been thinking about Abraham today. Its so often that God tells us about something…the outcome, and then says to wait and have faith, like God told Abraham about having a son. Sarah finally couldn’t wait on God’s timing any longer and took matters into her own hands and it results in a war between bloodlines that is still going on today. I don’t want to be like Sarah in my situation. Waiting is not fun by any means, but the blessings for it will be worth it.

Wasn’t it gorgeous out today? It was cool out but not a “growl at the weather” cold. I want to be enjoying the great outdoors right now. What I wouldn’t give for a big dog and a long stretch of frozen field to go running on. I have this pining to play fetch with a dog whose still tripping over his cumbersome paws.

Solitary Tree:

You stand-alone. Stripped of your leaves. The knots in your bark and your twisting twigs are exposed for all eyes.

You feel you’ve lost all your splendor. The grand leaves had covered you – their vibrant greens had veiled you well. Reds and oranges had entranced onlookers.

But now you have nothing to hide behind. Cold winds have robbed you of all disguises. You think you’ve lost.

You don’t see that you are still beautiful.

You stand boldly. Your branches stretch to the sky; an amazing contrast against the gray clouds. You are proud among the patchy-yellow ground.

Your magnificence may not be hanging in plain sight, but it is still there. In the harshness when you feel like you have nothing left to give the hungry does come to nibble your bark. You sustain through it all.

The snow dusts your bare branches and yes, you are still exquisite.

An assault is taking place. I am under spiritual attack. My suite is under spiritual attack. My friends are under spiritual attack. My school is under spiritual attack. My country is under spiritual attack. All of us are fighting battles whether together or alone and energy is waning. Sometimes you just want to shake your fist and yell, “enough already!”

It is in these overwhelming times when we find out what faith and hope really are. It is in these times that the truth must be sought out. It is in these times when we truly experience the wild God who appeared as a pillar of fire, and the calming God who came as a whisper in the wind. It’s a time to be encouraged that we were chosen to fight; only the elite warriors have been invited to this rumble. God picked Job to be tested because he was a man of God…the God of Job is still searching out people madly in love with Him to point at and say, “See my servant? He won’t shy away because of your arrows.”

On a completely different note: Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone!! Let’s have none of this boycotting of today going on because God’s greatest command was for us to love each other and that’s what today is about. I know, I know, everyday we should love – yup, but there is nothing wrong with giving a day in its honor.

And going back to my previous topic – it is amazing to see how love still abounds through the attacks and struggles. Right when discouragement has your throat someone comes along and pours out love on you and discouragement runs away.

I speak from experience today. This happened with my suite today and it is really encouraging to see people fighting with love (did you know it was a weapon!?) I was discouraged; afraid to face today. But yesterday I spent all afternoon with my sister and my mom who I love and we had an awesome time talking together. I sit here surrounded by candy and flowers and have the sweetest voicemail message archived. I love you all.

Well I have finished the chapter of life called “teen years” and have now entered the twenties. Twenty is huge…the term twenty-something can span ten years. In your twenties you graduate from college, start a career, buy a house, marry, start having children. This is what I’ve been ushered into today – it’s exciting and scary all at the same time. I have been asking myself and God a lot of questions lately.

My birthday was probably one of the best I’ve ever had. Why you ask? Well, that’s because it was full of people just loving on me all day – all of you guys made me feel so incredibly special. To Michelle sending me tulips, Lisa sending me a sweet package, countless cards given to me with the most uplifting things written in them, hugs all around.

I got to do the one thing that I most wanted to do and that was spend time with just my best friend. I’m all about one-on-one time. Him devoting three hours of his day to my company is the best gift I could have ever asked for.

Funny side note: I hadn’t been feeling well all day. I actually napped which is really uncommon for me. So I’m out to eat and I am not feeling well at all. I made weird excuses to leave the table and…you guessed it, I threw-up in the bathroom. I did feel 100% better afterwards though.

I ended the night watching Return to Me in the company of my buddy Travis and we were able to have some quality conversation and then I went and talked to Kim before bed. I’m all smiles…retainers and all!

Here’s to the president of the put-your-foot-in-your-mouth club. In small group it’s a big joke that us girls pass Nate around. He’s the only boy in our group so he always sits on the couch and each week a different one of us sit with him. I think it’s much funnier if you’re in our group. Anyway today this one girl in our group sat with Nate and I go into the usual…oh, look at ‘insert name’ and Nate – wait you’re engaged…but I guess it doesn’t really matter until your married…blah blah. When I get done she quietly whispers, “we broke off the engagement.” I just sat there with my mouth hanging open.

Shari, Vanessa, and I have been scheming about changes to make in the youth group but there are so many to make that we don’t know where to start. Also we don’t want to make a ton of changes all at once and scare the students away. Lastly, our hands are very tied by the church and the parents so it’s all really difficult.

We want to help these kids, we want so much to see their lives being changed and challenged for the Kingdom. We long to see growth. We long to be able to present them to God, but with how the youth group is now that’s not happening and will not happen. Right now we’re an unpaid babysitting service…we’re College Union for the high school students.

My heart aches for the kids in my youth group….for the kids of this generation. They are being taught that spirituality only happens in Sunday school. They are becoming dependant on youth pastors. Most of them will never enter a church once they graduate. How can we sit back and waste something so precious?

I woke up disturbed. I had a dream that upset me and I’m hoping that that’s all it was: a dream. But hooray for simple pleasures like blueberries, non-campus wide voice mail, waking up in a warm room, and kind words from friends – they make the uncertain feelings we wake up with melt away.

I took a spiritual gifts test for class today and it said that my top gifts were pastoring, words of wisdom, exhortation, leadership, helps, and administration. Interesting.

Haven’t been here in awhile. My days have been pretty full and my nights not very restful. Doing well though. I’m playing hooky from chapel so I can have some time to myself to unwind.

I love you guys all for taking them time to read my blog. Well, that’s not why I love you, I love you regardless of you reading this, but you know what I’m saying. Funny isn’t it: the greatest commandment is to just be relational and treasure those relationships? How can that be so difficult for us because it’s such a simple and direct command. Love God and love others. It’s so easy; every person I’ve ever locked eyes with is so precious and easy to love. How do we mess that up?

True ramblings from the mind of Jess:

Always use spell check when you type a paper. Complementing someone is the fastest way to make a friend. Be yourself to others: a play only lasts so long. Dance barefoot in a downpour even if everyone stops and gawks. Let your dog take you for a run. Reminiscing wont hurt you, but if you live with your back to the present are you really living? When you play cards don’t discard the 2 of spades, it always gets discarded. Always be the first to apologize and say thank you. At least once swim in the ocean. Go walking by yourself, you will learn the most about yourself then. Try tofu. Eat spinach before you pass judgment on it. Never be too upset to laugh. Every couple of months pick a day and stay up until midnight – do a countdown and yell “Happy New Year” to no one but yourself. Smile at the elderly. Sleep under the stars. When you are alone in your car and a good song comes on belt it out.

Someday, when my book is on the best selling list, I will be walking down the street and someone will notice me because of my picture in the back of the book.

Someday, when I’m very old, I will look across the room at my husband and be overcome with how much I love him.

Someday; when I’m feeling silly, I’ll call my kids in sick to school so we can spend the day having fun together.

I am so utterly frustrated right now – how’s that for transparency? It’s two-thirty in the morning and I just finished my homework and I need to be up by six to help set up for sneak preview check-in. That is not the reason that I’m bothered though.

What the heck is wrong with some guys? I found out tonight that one of my guy friends, a guy I consider a close brother has plans to “move in” on me now that I’m single. What is he thinking?! It bothers me because my whole relationship with this guy has always been that of a sister – totally innocent in all conversation and intent. Can guys and girls just not be friends altogether? Has our whole friendship been for him to wait for the opportune time? Grrr.

Yes, Matt and I are no longer dating – we’re taking a break for many reasons. I have no need to explain them.

Just let me set the record straight though. I may no longer be able to call him my boyfriend but that in no way changes the way I feel about Matt. My affection is not based on circumstances. Matt’s spoiled me – I never want another guy other than him to touch me. I’d do anything for Matt and give everything up for him.

Did you read that? Please, leave me alone – you’re my friend and my brother. I only ever want to feel like that for one man and I’ve already picked him.

Well I have a couple completely unrelated topics on my mind right now, so we’ll just dive in! Today I was on my way to the Lew and Coffee Washington was walking toward me. He’s the Dean of students and I cannot remember ever actually talking to him or even being introduced. As we get closer he says, “well how are you doing today Jessica?” I was shocked…he knew my name. Then I smiled and he goes, “my goodness! When did you get your braces off?” I was so impressed that out of 900 students he knew my name and something about me even though we do not know each other. Got me to thinking how much more should I be awed by the fact that God knows my name. Us humans are like blades of grass on this planet and yet God knows my individual name; and even more then that, He knows everything about me.

Last week the wife of my friend began to have contractions. Today, after eight months of carrying the baby, she delivered it: dead. The baby was strangled to death by its own life source – the umbilical cord. They were so excited and so prepared to have their little boy. Today they named their son and in two days they will bury him. These are the moments when you want to toss your hands in the air and say “Now what?! Where are you in this God?”

The other day when I was walking to the RA meeting I was thinking about what it means to be an RA and what is needed. Character was the thing that came to mind. One should be able to echo Paul’s words and say, “Follow me because I follow Christ.” As I was thinking this I walked past a plastic cup that was on the ground. I thought I should pick it up but as I passed it I continued walking. Who cares, its one little cup and I never litter anyway.

Suddenly, the sound of the cup scrapping against the cement stopped me in my tracks. Character is what you are when no one is looking. Character is what you choose to do about the little things that no one would ever know or care about. I went back and got the cup and told myself never again would it take a second thought.

Then today I was making copies in the library and my machine jammed so the lady gave me change back and as I counted the change I noticed that she had given me ten cents extra. Bonus! As I left the library a thought crept into my mind…Jess go give it back, but I figured that was foolishness – its ten cents! And that ten cents sits on my desk right now reminding me of the wrong choice I made today, because weather its ten cents or a hundred dollars the principle remains the same. I will return it today. Funny, how God uses the seemingly insignificant things in life to teach us some of the greatest lessons.

Today I was flipping through an old journal and out fell a bunch of folded up papers. What could they be? I opened them only to find that they were love letters that I have been writing to my future husband since I was sixteen. I had forgotten about them!! I read through them all and it hit me how much fun it is going to be to give him all those letters. I’ve been writing to him for four years now…lucky man! I almost forgot that I was keeping a journal for him…I need to get back to writing in that.

So I’m alone at work right now, its actually a really nice felling. I have an office all to myself, can choose my own radio station and sing as loud as I want to. And there are always fun things to do in the office when you get board and are alone...stuff like spinning in your chair, playing with the big rubber-band ball from Suzi’s desk, eating left over snacks, play with these gel strips that you’re suppose to rest your wrists on when you type and check my campus voice mail.

These next few weeks are going to be crazy busy, but crazy fun for me. This weekend is sneak preview and then I’m going home on Saturday to do the birthday thing with my family, and then on Sunday I have church stuff and youth group. Next weekend I’m going home with Ang to Wisconsin and the weekend after that I’m going home with Jennie to Ohio. The next weekend begins spring break and for spring break I am going to Cape Cod for a week.

Finally I’m going to New England!! I feel like a little kid at the store whose been begging and begging my mom to buy me a pack of gum and finally she has said yes. Cape Cod...day trips to Boston, Martha’s Vineyard, and Nantucket, whale watching, and horseback-riding on the beach. Know how long its been since I’ve been horseback-riding for real (as in: not leading a trail ride...trail rides don’t count): too long.

Now the trick is to buckle down and make it through these next two weeks with my focus intact. Hmm, I wonder why I can never be short in my blogging. I’ve been reading Jake’s blog and his are always so to the point, I just cannot write that way...I like to go on and on...Hamlet would call me a windbag, there are worse things a person can be called.

Alright - tonight proves to be full of excitement because tonight is the final episode of the Mole. Yes, we will find out if Erik, Freddie, or the redhead (I can never remember her name) is the Mole. If you didn’t take my advice and watch this show, shame on you, you missed out on the only show worth watching.

I had to write my life’s purpose today in my class. After a lot of thinking I picked Romans 8:5, 37-39 for my verses and here’s what I came to: I am here to live according to the Spirit and grow in my passion for God, pressing on to bring Him glory, and dying to my sinful desires so Christ can use my body to conquer for His purposes.

Now I need to hold to that. Last night I had the amazing privilege of leading the student leaders Bible study and I am still on cloud nine. We met for two hours…no chit-chat just straight into the Bible. These youths were so hungry and excited to talk about it and share and encourage. I feel totally inadequate to lead them but that’s why God’s in charge.

We each belong to an army, and I often speak of battles – our commander is the Almighty. In thinking about this I realized that I belong to the only army that shoots its wounded.

Why is it that Christians walk around pretending to have life all together…because the second we show what reality is out comes the firing squad! We go to another and confess that we are struggling…that we are sinners…that we fail and we feel the judgment that follows. Even if no judgment is spoken in many cases it is there. Why? Why when our soldiers come to us bleeding we put band-aids on open wounds just so we wont have to see them? When we walk into church we’re offered duct tape to place over our mouths instead of being real with problems.

We should be the ones able to dispense the most grace. Christianity needs to be viewed as a process…each of us is at a different part of this process…no one has reached the end. Paul speaks of this in Philippians 3:12-15 when he says that he has not grasped perfection but he will strain on towards it. This process is a training in godliness that is not finished until the grave (1 Timothy 4:6-7)…this shouldn’t be a disappointment but an encouragement to not judge those in a different place in the process. Let’s not trade the truth of brotherhood for the lies of what a Christian “should look like” (Romans 1:25).

Been reading through a lot lately. There is so much wealth in books friends. It’s my goal to always be doing some “pleasure reading” even when I have homework and appointments to make. Alright, well speaking of homework I’m going to go and do some because work comes soon and I’m getting together with my mentor tonight!!

“Women are able to lead and Trinity is a big encourager of women using their leadership and gifts,” a professor said to me.

It’s funny isn’t it then that out of fifty-two chapels only one of those is a female speaker. What is she speaking on: women of promise. I guess us women are simply capable of speaking about ourselves. It’s interesting isn’t it?

Here at Trinity there are sixteen members of the president’s cabinet only one of them being a woman. Isn’t that interesting?

Yes, as you can see Trinity is a proud supporter of women using their leadership and gifts.

Today (it’s today since its 1am) proves to be a crazy day for me. I just figured out my schedule…here it is: 7am devotions, 8am get ready, 9am class, 10am chapel, 11am class, 12pm class, 1pm class, 2pm class, 3pm meet with security, 4pm eat and do some homework, 5pm-7pm work, 7pm-9pm Bible study for the youth group, then my free time comes after nine. By then I’m sure I’ll be pretty tuckered and I do have a paper to write for Christian Doctrine tomorrow too. If you think of me say a prayer.

I’m listening to a song right now and it is making me think of my best friend. I wish I could be with you right now. I miss you terribly but I guess that’s just how it has to be right now. I do a good job keeping busy and I love talking with other friends but when I sit alone in these wee hours my mind fills with you and all that’s been lost – but then we’ve gained too haven’t we? You’re incredible, and it hurts to know that I cannot be the part of your life that I desire to be. Regardless, I’m your friend – always here for you for anything, and you’re the most important person in my life and on those thoughts will I linger tonight.

Lastly I wanted to say to all my fellow bloggers how much I enjoy reading their blogs. I’m addicted to checking the blogs of Brad, Stephanie, Matt, Travis, Kim, Lauren, Bekah, and Renee. Keep writing! I also have to say I’m quite jealous of all the signing going on in Travis’ guest book!! Alright...to bed, to bed.

At camp we sing this little tune that repeats, “Heaven is a wonderful place.” In Christian circles we talk and go on about how amazing heaven is going to be. How we long for it and how it’s really our home. But I wonder if we all sat down together if maybe some people would admit that they are afraid heaven is going to be boring. That there is something in them that tugs and says that earth is more fun.

What have we been told about heaven? That there we will find rest, that there we will worship God for eternity. Could the problem be that we do not understand what worship is? If your church was going to hold a worship service what would it look like? They would get up and sing…and sing some more…maybe sing a couple more songs and then dismiss everyone. Don’t get me wrong; singing is a wonderful way to worship. My point is that singing in itself is not the definition of worship. One can sing a song and it not be worshiping and vice versa. Why do we limit ourselves?

Heaven is not just a place where we will all stand together and sing chorus after chorus with our arms slung around each other. In heaven we will live a life of worship…live. Worship is in everything you do…the way I drive my car, the hour I choose to roll out of bed, the food I place in my body, how much I choose to swing my hips when I walk, the books I read – that is worship.

We need not fear that we will be board in heaven or that it will be a let down if we begin to grasp what being in heaven means…a life of pure devotion/worship to the One who has captured our hearts.

Well bloggers, I don’t mean to sound like I’m preaching…sometimes I just get excited when I am thinking about something and it just comes out like this. Scanning over my entries I notice that I have been doing more of this then sharing myself…but then again this is me because these are the things on my mind. You want to know my heart? I don’t even know my heart sometimes…its much more difficult to put the wonderings of the heart into words. And those tender parts, they don’t belong in the blog world…those are special and given to my best friend and others close to me. But alas…I will try to share more.

The good stuff. Life is full of it…we don’t have to go looking for it. Waking up next to someone you love (it was my friend Lisa!), talking on the phone and not realizing that two hours have gone by, hearing the phone ring and running to pick it up because you just know its your best friend on the other line, bringing a sick friend chicken soup, leaving encouraging notes for friends to find later, planning a surprise for someone special, and playing chess with a ten year old – the good stuff that filled my day (its yesterday now).

Oswald Chamber’s entry for February 1 ended with these words, “The one passion of Paul’s life was to proclaim the Gospel of God. He welcomed heart-breaks, disillusionments, tribulation, for one reason only, because these things kept him in unmoved devotion to the Gospel of God.” This synthesized with something I read in the Sacred Romance.

The writers were saying that the things of this world will always fail and disappoint us. They write, “Our longing for heaven whispers to us in our disappointments and screams through our agony. “If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy,” C.S. Lewis wrote, “the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.””

Sorry, this blog isn’t all that personal tonight. No huge revelations or fancy writing. Just me with a huge grin after a relaxing day.