I thoroughly enjoy my second story room. I feel like a little old man who spies on the neighborhood for his hobby. My desk is right by the window and from it I can see a good chunk of campus. I watch my friends and wonder where they are going. I see people trip when they think no one is watching…people making-out: all sorts of stuff.

Today my magazines came in the mail. They are pretty insignificant publications, but it made my day to see my name in print. My stories are the feature article in both magazines. The publishing company did a great job with layout. I’m a published author today (this is me getting goose bumps)!

I am trying to shake some selfishness I feel creeping up on me. I feel lonely and overlooked lately. Sometimes I get like this, and its nuts because I know this is not true. I know it’s an attack and I know better then to give a foothold, and still I have. Lies come into my head, “you’re the catalyst in relationships Jess, never the reaction or end result. You were made to promote fellowship but not be in fellowship.” I am not alone, I have the greatest friends in the world. Still these whispers nag me – taunting to devour the reality I know there is.

So what is my answer to it all? I seek solitude, but that finds me more trouble because my thoughts fail me. My only option is to rush into the arms of my Savior and sob against His chest. There the Truth is so loud that I will not be able to hear anything else. He dispels all doubt and hurt. He tends to both my feelings and my logic.

“Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee.” – Augustine

The grand happenings of the day: 1) my professor had to leave right before checking my lab (which was not done) and she said she would just check it later and if I didn’t have it done then I was one lucky kid. 2) right now I sit typing in my new mold-free room. Yes, take a deep breath without fear. My new room extension is x6772, but the voicemail isn’t switched over yet so if you want to leave me a message still go with x6714 for now.

Pray for me friends. I feel a calmness coming over me and I don’t know what to do with it. Is it the calm before a storm? Is it just plain complacency in my spiritual walk? I don’t want to be calm, I don’t want to live effortlessly. I want my life to be a sweet romance of dedication to the One that matters. What’s it going to take to shake away every strand of numbness that clings. I’d do anything to peel off every bit of flesh that is still a part of me. How do you throw off every sin that entangles tangibly? It sounds so cliché but I burn to run the race like that. There is always hope. I come thirsty into these thirty-one days fully knowing that God will quench it all and more.

I’m so excited about so many things in my life. Like my friendship with Travis – what a blessing to have a friend whose a guy who you can just be 100% real and yourself with and never worry about stings being attached. So often I reserve myself from my guy friends but with Trav I can say and do anything and he will always respond to me as a brother who sincerely loves me. I could go on and on about so many other blessings, but then I remember my promise to keep my blogs shorter.

I’m going to reluctantly sign off now. I’m chatting with some friends and want to devote attention to that and I need to go to sleep soon because I have training all day tomorrow.

Nine hours of sleep sure does a body good. Thank you Bre for the bed – even if getting into it is like climbing Mount Everest. As I lay in bed last night I had a lot of time to think, or as Tracy would say: scenario time.

I have fabulous news! I got the internship at Mooseheart. I am so excited about it. I had a meeting with Joel today and it was an end of the year review where he said my strengths and weaknesses. When he came to weaknesses I thought he was going to say something like being punctual or something like that (this is a job) but then he really surprised me when he said, “you need to learn to show you’re emotions.” I was taken aback. He said sometimes he knows I'm excited about something but I just ‘stay cool.’ I'm a laid-back person but he says it would be nice to see my reactions instead of me being reserved. Weird job review – but I'm learning that Joel is pretty wise and is pretty right on about a lot of stuff. So I'm going to think about that.

Alright, going to work on a big project right now and hopefully do some homework. Sing Norah Jones….sing away.

This rooming thing is wearing me thin. Not that it’s a huge deal or stress but I just want a place that I can drop my book bag and say, “ah, this is mine.” I want to know where everything is, answer my own phone calls and be able to sprawl out.

Where am I in life? Sometimes I feel like I’m just in a holding tank here. I know its not the best way to consider my time right now, but it’s like right now is just needless time. I want to hit fast forward. I have all these dreams and desires that I’m tired of waiting on. Maybe I just want the answers to what am I waiting on/for so I start feeling like a difference is being made.

Life is not college. I’ll look back on these days with good memories and laugh a lot, but there is so much more out there. I want to be with my husband and figure out life together. I cannot wait to have a home to invite elderly ladies from the church over to and just serve them as I hear about the extraordinary lives they’ve lived. I want my home to be one that the high school students I work with feel like they can walk into at anytime and drink out of my milk carton. I want to cheer my son on as my husband teaches him how to ride a bike, and I want to pull my daughter close when she comes home from school crying. At the end of the day I want to crawl in bed with my husband, smell his familiar scent, and just whisper, “thank you God.”

I cannot have that right now. Now is a time in life for waiting, but I cannot let myself dwell on that too much. I need to realize that now can be a time of action too. God wouldn’t say “hey Jess, here’s a couple years to squander.” It’s easy to loose sight of that though, so easy. So I’m going to challenge myself…I’m not going to view right now as a holding tank, today is the only cash I have to spend so I need to stop adding tomorrow in already. I want to feel like I’m making a difference, like now has significance, but I need to just grasp the truth that those things are happening whether I feel like they are happening or not.

Today I learned the true test to see if you’re comfortable with yourself or not is to shower without a shower curtain. Hey, you do what you must when people steal the shower curtains at night.

After my 1:40 class I’m going to call Mooseheart and see if I got the internship for this summer or not. I’m pretty discouraged because it’s been two weeks and if they wanted me I’d think they would have called me by now. We’ll see…more on that front when I know.

I read incites from Oswald Chambers everyday and since he is a much more articulate writer then I am I figured his words are better then mine:

“When you see a person who is close to grasping the claims of Jesus Christ, you know that your influence has been used in the right direction. And when you begin to see that person in the middle of a difficult and painful struggle, don’t try to prevent it….over and over again we try to be amateur providences in someone’s life. We are indeed amateurs, coming in and actually preventing God’s will and saying, “This person should not experience difficulty.”….our sympathy gets in the way. One day that person will say to us, “You are a thief; you stole my desire to follow Jesus, and because of you I lost sight of Him.” –Oswald Chambers

Had a great day. Isn’t it weird to think about what could be on other people’s minds? Today was gorgeous and I had a fantastic time but there are people who didn’t. There are people today who found out that their mom is dying, they don’t have enough money to feed their family dinner, or somewhere today a husband told his wife that he just doesn’t love her anymore. Tough stuff. I will never be able to know what the strangers in the grocery store are dealing with that day, but I can treat them with kindness. It all makes me want to treat each person I come in contact with much differently.

Well I was suppose to go running at three but didn’t end up doing that. Oh! If you’re part of the girls group and you’re reading this we are not meeting tonight (everyone’s busy and some of the girls have suite meetings). In a couple minutes I’ll leave for youth group and when I get back I think my friend and I are going to go for a night run. I love being outside at night – helps me think better. It’ll hopefully give me the energy I need to write the two papers I have due tomorrow….

Not much to say. My mind is honestly a blank tonight and friends, it’s a good feeling. Last night my mind was filled with so many thoughts and once I get one thing in my head I then jump to another thought and then I analyze that thought and then I just end up in one big quagmire of confusion. All this morning I was beginning to doubt some of the things I’m the most solid on – it was nuts.

I knew I couldn’t sit around like this all day so I called my friend Steph, but she was busy. Then I remembered something my best friend told me the other day, he told me not to forget that he was here for me too. I called him up and was so glad he asked me how I was doing and I got some frustrations out. I didn’t tell him all that was on my mind but I didn’t need to, the stuff I got out was enough to relieve any doubts I was having.

The rest of the day I was able to kick back and just enjoy life and drink in the good weather. So a big thanks goes out to my best friend – you were my hero today.

Ended the night going to Aaron’s birthday party (the big twenty). Aaron thanks for your friendship, long talks and humoring me on many occasions. Quality guys sometimes seem difficult to find and yet somehow I am lucky enough to be friends with the most quality guys on campus.

Night all.

Mountaintop experiences: love them, hate them – either way they happen and affect us. When you’re in one it’ll make you dance around yelling about how awesome God is, you feel His presence. If only one could stay on that mountain forever.

But we cannot. Peter wanted to stay on the mountain of transfiguration, but he had to learn the same thing that we must. Visiting the mountain is fine – more then that; it’s good and refreshing, but we were made to live in the valley. The mountaintops aren’t bad, they teach you the truths you will need to turn into action when you’re in the valley.

I firmly believe that John the Baptist is the winner of the “greatest spiritual high” award. Here is a man who devoted his whole life to preaching about the coming Messiah. Then one day the Messiah walks right up to John and asks to be baptized. Here is John…holding the Christ, audibly hearing the voice of the Father coming from the sky, and seeing the Holy Spirit come down from heaven.

Now I’d figure that John would stick right next to Jesus forever. After such an experience he wouldn’t doubt and would just walk around with this remarkable faith that would never grow tired.

Instead, Jesus sent John into the woods and right after this mountaintop John faced a test. That’s how it is most times. We learn something and walk around with this knowledge; sometimes we even walk around expounding this great new incite before we’ve even done something about it in our own lives. At this time comes the test – does your new knowledge hold up in water?

Soon after John entered the woods the King captured him. While in prison John sends word to Jesus, “are you really the Christ?” What!?! John, you touched God, heard God, and saw God and when push came to shove you buckled! I can’t be too hard on John though, so often I’m the same way. I know something to be true but then don’t live it out, or when I have the chance to I fail miserably.

John did hear back from Jesus and John went to his beheading in full, restored faith. Later in the Bible this doubter is called the greatest man ever born of woman. That offers so much hope to a doubter and fumbler like me.

I’ve gone on enough. I started my morning in the company of three of the people that I love the most – a great way to begin the day. Now I am planning to be productive.

My friend. Miles and miles away. Leaving. It’s the path everyone takes, but I guess we always hope those who are closest to us will have longer trails beside us. But the fork is clear, we just have come upon it sooner perhaps. Choices and decisions weigh heavy on your shoulders, so let me take a little of it too and the rest of the way down this path will not be burdensome to you. Just because the roads part doesn’t mean friendship does too. Mine will always be here; no matter where you are or what the circumstances.

It’s seven-thirty in the morning and I have decided to make this day like the first ripe strawberry of the season - one to enjoy. Why should I let the fact that I have a test, a lot of lone time, and it’s raining outside tarnish the treasures this day may hold? So I’m going to make the extra effort to notice things like reflections in puddles, the fresh scent in the air, breeze that sends my hair out of place, and people in need of encouragement.

Well time to start appreciating today.

Hmmm, the best way to describe me right now is I just feel disconnected. I think it all draws back to this rooming situation. It does something to you when you don’t have a bed to call your own. I have a place to stay, but it’s not my own. Kind of makes me feel disoriented. My own little trouble is nothing compared to Christ having ‘no place to rest his head.’ Maybe this feeling is good. Maybe this is how I should feel everyday on this earth – disoriented because earth is not home. Never able to truly be comfortable because you just know that wouldn’t be right here.

Listening to Switchfoot’s song Twenty-Four. The whole song centers around the line: “and I’m not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago.” How true. In this life we are never given a blah day – each day and circumstance has a purpose. Each day we should be able to look back and see how the last twenty-four hours have changed/effected us. Do we actually treat each day in this way? I know I don’t. So often I go through my days and just get by. They blend together and I live for something that’s going to happen later that week, month, or year. Like when it was nice out yesterday I found myself wishing I was doing whatever I’ll end up doing this summer, or wishing for next school year when I get to RA in a non mold-infested room. But I had to catch myself…God’s given me these months before all that for a reason – He doesn’t give us wasted time, so I need to refocus and see what’s on the plate to learn/experience/go through today.

I’m going to ramble for a second on a seemingly shallow topic: clothing. I don’t have one pair of pants that fit me correctly, my tops either for that matter. The crux of the matter is that I have no money to spend on new stuff and won’t have any spare money for a while now so I’m stuck with clothes that don’t fit me. I guess its not that big of a deal, honestly it’s more embarrassing then anything. Oh well, it’s a passing frustration.

I’m late for class…I’ll write more later.

Happiness comes easy with days like these. When long walks, deep in conversation, with your closest of friends is the greatest way to end the day. When you will only consider doing something if it involves being active or outside. When everyone’s pale toes and bare arms come out of hibernation. Soon the showers will come and paint the grass green again, the sun will break the cold spell and all of us will go our separate ways for the summer.

Yesterday Brad gave me a CD that he put together and him and I hold the only two copies of the compilation. It is arguably one of the best CD’s I have ever heard. A great mix (Brad you know me so well). I’ve already listened to it about six times through. We need to hang out again soon…I sort of lost my job so I have plenty of free time now so just call me and we’ll fit it into your schedule.

I have been vindicated in my room madness (well at least I feel like I’m not a loon anymore). The little man came back into my room and there in fact is mold underneath my carpet. It’s good news because now I know for sure what it all was. I am still a nomad (thanks Kim and Lauren) but we’re conquering one thing at a time.

Had a great talk with my youth group about David. We discussed why it is that David was called a man after God’s heart. I mean, if you read the man’s story he was not just a sinner but a bold sinner at that. He seemed to struggle with quite a lot, so what makes him a man of God? We kept coming back to one thing though – David might be the worst of sinners but he always came back before God broken. It is brokenness, and a willingness to be viewed as broken - not perfection - that marks a man as a man of God.

I am going to go take some medicine and curl up in a ball now. I have just about the worst cramps ever and my whole body aches. I didn’t make it through one class and skipped another. No one should feel crummy on a day like today!

This is a record; a week without blogging. For those of you who were wondering blogspot was blocked at Trinity when we all came back from Spring Break. It took a couple phone calls and a few letters to get it back but now we are back in business.

Well all signs point to my room being the thing that keeps making me sick. Yesterday I spent a long time with a handy man searching around in my room for a cause and came up clueless. I really don’t want to spend another minute in that room because things just keep getting worse. It’s frustrating for me because now I have to go talk to higher ups to try to get moved out of my room and I just feel like I’m being a nuisance. If there is one thing I hate its feeling like I’m bothering/unconvincing people.

I’m living it up in good ol’ Warrenville right now. We had a surprise party for my mom’s birthday last night at my aunt’s house and it turned out being a lot of fun. There were probably between 30-40 people in attendance and my mom was speechless. She said it was the first birthday party she has ever had.

Always good to sleep in my own bed and relax in my own tub. They say home is where the heart is, but my heart is definitely back at Trinity. I mean this is many ways. My life, for the most part, is at school. I am busy and productive there, I live there, and my heart sits in the hands of an incredible young man there. My heart is safe there, and there it will remain. If you don’t know him, you’re missing out. My best and most often thoughts of the day are either about my walk with Christ, or this young man.

On a different note: it turns out that Stephanie and I are going to go ahead with this women’s meeting on campus. It’ll be Tuesday night in Stephanie’s suite. I’m the one talking so yes I am a little nervous about it all and about the words that come out of my mouth. You all know that talking isn’t my strongest point – usually I loose people along the way and walk away from it feeling like the person/people completely missed my point.

Alright, on with my day!

Today I was running errands for my mom. I’m in the store getting milk and I pass by this old man as he’s looking at the Mexican food display. The only thing that crossed my mind was something to the effect of: buddy at your age don’t risk it. As I was putting my groceries into my car I noticed a library book my mom must have checked out and it was past due so I figured I’d go ahead and return it. I did so and as I walked out the same old man passes me going in. I went across the street to the post office and got some stamps and lo and behold – the same old man was in there checking his postbox. Was he following me!? I hopped in my car thinking that this was all strange and I got a sudden taste for coffee so I headed to Starbucks. There was no waiting so I strolled right up and said, “I’ll have a white chocolate mocha” and then this little voice behind me said “I’ll have one of those too.” It was him again! I had spent my afternoon the same way a man in his eighties had. Yes world, I am an old man.

Just got home from babysitting. The key to working with kids that are younger than junior high is to have a very active imagination. Like take tonight’s entertainment: started off by making dinner together (the rule was when you needed to talk you had to sing it opera style) then we ate our dinner as if we were royalty (this includes taking really small bites, using phrases like “the state of affairs” and drinking with your pinkies up). After dinner we became Britney Spears’ dance team – yes, you read that right…we pretended we were onstage and busted some moves. After which time we were tired and decided to set the room up like a movie theater and watch Mary-Kate and Ashley go to Rome. Following the movie they did my hair and make-up (and when they finished it looked like someone had socked me in the eye and as for my hair – I could have been Queen Amadala’s stand-in). We all were tuckered out at this point so we climbed into a bed all together and read stories until 2 out of the 3 of us fell fast asleep.

That’s one thing I miss when I’m at school – the presence of kids. I use to babysit all the time when I lived at home but at school I’m around 20 year olds all the time (no offence).

Wow. I always end up writing way too much. I apologize for the lengths of my blogs – I’ll attempt to control myself from now on.

My mind kept drifting back to summer today. All I want to do is be in my friend Amber’s backyard in Michigan. There Amber and I would sit next to each other on her hanging bench and swing. The creaking would barely be noticed because we’d be deep in conversation as the grass tickles our dangling bare feet. We’d watch the day be stolen away in night’s arms and marvel as the shiny children of night poked their heads from beneath his dark cape. I still remember the smell of the air. If memories could be sold I wouldn’t sell this one for even a million dollars.

A couple people asked how my doctor appointment went on Thursday. I might as well just tell you all that I didn’t end up going. Those of you who know the situation are probably grabbing your desks yelling “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” I’ll take ownership of that – it might have been a stupid move on my part. So I have no news on that front. I think I’ve figured out for myself what’s going on; lets just hope I’m not wrong.

When I finally got in gear today I was pretty productive. I finished my Mooseheart application and my Little Pine Island application. Speaking of applications – I am so excited about all my friends working at different camps this summer. Everyone remember to give me your address so I can write to you (camp mail is the best).

I typed out all my remaining labs for biology. I read Basic Christianity today in which it said that sin can all be boiled down to one thing: selfishness. Selfishness is a rejection of the greatest commandment and therefore selfishness is the root of every kind of sin. I sat for a bit and tried to think of one sin that that isn’t true about and drew a blank.

What pray-tell does tomorrow hold? Well probably exciting things like reading ahead for my drama class and writing two play reviews for that class too. Then I babysit tomorrow night. Sunday is church and then hopefully Bekah and I will do something (Bekah, email me and let me know if that works for you – I’m so excited to see you!).

I am guilty of taking things in my life for granted. One of those things is my family. How often I’ve complained about them and been embarrassed to be connected with them. I’ve been a fool.

My dad is my hero. He turned sixty-three today and will always be an all-American country boy. He grew up in the south and learned to hunt probably before he learned to walk. He drove a ’57 Chevy and hitchhiked across America. He joined the army and became a sharp-shooter. He did undercover work in Panama during Vietnam and did spy work in Alaska before retiring. Dad is a mailman now and loves it. He is a gentle old man who loves me for no reason other then I’m his.

My mom is a strong woman. She grew up in Holland during WWII and crossed over on a slow boat to America when she was my age. She didn’t know the language or have any money but she self-taught and educated herself. She does the dishes and laundry everyday here without a thank you. Mom handles all my paper work along with the rest of the family’s. She is always hunting out opportunities for us children that she never was given and she is always trying to get us into better health weather we want it or not. I can sit up talking with her until midnight about anything and she will stay up and listen.

College has changed my attitude toward them – or maybe it’s just called growing up. I realize that my parents love me and have always wanted and done what they saw as best for me. Sometimes I do not like their advice or the way they go about things, but now I can see it in the light of them wanting better for me because they love me. They may never understand the choices I make but I know they will stand beside me even when I make the dumb ones.

My family is not perfect but then whose is? I’ve been spending a lot of time in the Old Testament lately and it seems like God only uses dysfunctional families! Noah got drunk and slept with his daughters, Abraham attempted to sacrifice his son, and Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery...I guess my family isn’t that bad after all.

As I was driving through the petite hills of Iowa and over the flatlands in Illinois I couldn’t help but stir my thoughts. I like history, so of course one of the first things that I begin to think about is how amazing the view must have been for the pioneers. Just think – as you’re mounted on your horse and you slowly feel yourself utterly surrounded by and ocean of yellow grass. It seems to stretch out until the sky meets the land…endless.

I bet many of the pioneers huffed and puffed at this point. They had already traveled for months and now they didn’t see any hope in sight. No wonder so many of them just gave in and settled in this area…or never even reached it here, they got to Ohio and said, “No more walking!” These newcomers would grumble saying it looked like there was no use to keep walking…they never got anywhere but more yellow grass. New things become new reasons to complain.

But I bet there were some pioneers with a different mood. These ones saw the grass waving on the plaines and saw an ocean of opportunity. They’re eyes bulged with the though of upcoming adventures. They knew the road was going to be difficult but they had come to search out something different and better and they knew that only comes through trials and challenges. They sometimes worried about what was around the next corner, but they were bold enough to go around the next corner because they sensed that something better was waiting. New things added variety and surprise to life.

Sounds a lot like life huh? It’s funny how the same set of circumstances can be a source of complaints for one person and another person’s eyes light up at the sight of the conquest. What kind of life pioneer are you? The ones that press on were the ones that got to gape at the mountains, were the ones that dipped their feet in the Pacific, and were the ones that struck gold. Just a thought.

Along the lines of nature, but not on my pioneer thought, I think many people have lost their sense of appreciation for creation. I can’t understand it because such an appreciation leads to greater awe of God. Maybe we feel like we are in control of natural things so much that we have lost all wonder. When you take control of something you loose respect for it. A wild horse is incredible to watch. A green-broke horse still causes a human to regard it, but once a horse is tame it can be used for pony rides. There is nothing as incredible as a wild horse and nothing as normal as a tame horse.

Have we tamed nature with cement roads as our bit and automobiles as our spurs?

Redefining success –

If I never publish a book. If I never make it to Alaska, Maine, or England. If I never own anything but a used car (or any car for that matter). If I never have a livable income. If I never am mentioned, congratulated or acknowledged. If I never have a stable job. I will still be a success.

If I feel comfortable enough with my friends to dance in front of them. If I can run through the rain laughing like a child even at the age of fifty-four. If I one day look into the eyes of a godly man and say “I do.” If I touch those I meet with love so that they feel different just being around me. If I am never too busy to devote time to my children. If I am used by God as His vessel on earth. This is how I will gage my success.

Saw Phil Keaggy in concert tonight and was just blown away by his talent. For those of you who do not know who Keaggy is: once in an interview Jimmy Hendrix was asked how it feels to be the greatest guitarist the world has ever known and his answer was, “I don’t know. You’d have to ask Phil Keaggy.” Good stuff. I will admit that my mind started wandering during the concert – a good wandering though. I was engrossed in my two favorite thoughts.

Well it’s my last night here in grand Iowa. A great scrabble match is underway as I type...and my stomach is full of a late night run to Village Inn. I have had so much fun and know Travis and Angie so much better….yeah memories. We have been hit pretty hard with snow today and the roads are tricky. Travis’ dad said he wont let us girls leave if it is still bad out tomorrow. If it’s still snowing…Matthew I promise to wear my glasses all 4 ½ hours home!

“In certain stores you will find a section of merchandise available at greatly reduced prices. The tip-off is a particular tag you will see on all the items in this area. Each tag carries the same words: as is.

This is a euphemistic way of saying, these are damaged goods. Sometimes they’re called slightly irregular. The store is issuing you fair warning: This is the department of Something’s Gone Wrong. You’re going to find a flaw here: a stain that won’t come out; a zipper that won’t zip; a button that wont butt – there will be a problem. These items are not normal.

We’re not going to tell you where the flaw is. You’ll have to look for it…..

When you deal with human beings, you have come to the “as is” corner of the universe. Think for a moment about someone in your life. Maybe the person you know the best, love most. That person is slightly irregular.

That person comes with a little tag. There is a flaw. A streak of deception, a cruel tongue, a passive spirit, an out-of-control temper. I’m not going to tell you where it is, but it’s there. So when you find it – and you will find it – don’t be surprised. If you want to enter a relationship with this model, there is only one way. “As is.”

If you were looking for perfection, you’ve walked down the wrong aisle.”

That is just the beginning page of the book I am reading right now. It’s by John Ortberg (he wrote If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat) and it’s called: Everybody’s Normal Till You Get To Know Them…good stuff. How often I’ve expected people to come to me as perfect and then when I find they are not I’m let down. How often I’ve thrown up my hands thinking that I will never find one normal person to have a normal relationship with…and I’m right. The issue isn’t finding normal people, it’s in changing your thoughts and entering into right relationships (that’s different then normal). More on that some other time.

Before break started my friend Stephanie told me that when we get back her and I should start up a group for helping women on campus. She said I have a lot to say to the women on campus that could really help them. To tell you the truth I just don’t know. I feel very inadequate to the task. Who am I to get up in front of a group and tell them “how it is” in my eyes. I mean, maybe the first time I could think of something profound to say but then to come back each week with something…I’d run out of things to share. I don’t know.

Breaks are good good things my friends.

Lately I’ve felt like the queen of reevaluation. It’s not an all-good thing or an all-bad thing. I just keep reevaluating different aspects of my life and saying “how can this be better tomorrow…how can there be a difference…should I settle for that…could there be more here that I’m not seeing or refusing to see.”

Lately I’ve been reevaluating friendships; the way I treat others, the way I am being treated by people I call close friends, and just the people that I invest time with. I’ve also been reevaluating the way that I spend time; where does all my time go, and what do my priorities look like? Also been reevaluating my thoughts and the avenues that my mind wanders down.

Within this last semester I have said the words: “thinking/feelings aren’t enough, why don’t you take action. Take the step that God has showed you and don’t fret about the next mile” to many people. Is this where my reevaluating takes me? To be honest I have taken action on many of these things and it has been a sweet mingling of pain and joy. Can the two happen simultaneously? Of course they can…have you ever stood at the finish line of a marathon and seen the looks on the faces of the runners as they cross it? Such has been the expression of my heart since I sat down with God over Christmas break and told Him to clean house in me at all costs.

Was just talking with Ang about the difference between a trusting Christian and anyone else (Christian or non-Christian). You see, we all go through tough stuff and its not a Christian’s calling to never have a bad day – but its if you continue to stay slumped. We all fall into mires. Some of us choose to stick our hands into the mud and push up and begin to drag clumsily through the deep muck to find a way out. Yeah your clothes get dirty and you get swamp mud under your nails – but you find your way out. The others, they just stay in the mire lying there. They let the goop slowly surround them and cover over their eyes so a way out seems impossible. Just get up!

I have two big prayer requests. Forgive me for vagueness in advance. One, for what I am to do when my commitment with NorthSub is up, and where (if) I am to go after there. Second, I go to the doctor’s on Thursday. Simply put, there could be something health wise seriously wrong with me, or it could be this really simple thing that’s easily fixed. The doc’s given me the two extremes to think about and obviously I’d like it to be the later.

Things to remember about this trip:

-“Running Bear”
-I must never pick a fight with Travis because he is able to pick me up over his head without hassle.
-Travis and I are twins separated at birth – except for the Mexican food issue.
-The word ‘yi’ (Ang…you robbed me of the Scrabble championship)
-‘We were Soldiers’ is a perfect bedtime story
-Iowa is more exciting then all of western Illinois

Alright…there will be more memories made, trips not even half over!!

Well, here I am in Iowa. The drive was great – 4 ½ hours, not bad at all. Ang and I are having fun with Travis; meeting all his friends and seeing the sites of Iowa. Last night we saw the nightlife: went to Java Joe’s, walked around Des Moines, and went to Chad’s (yes….I have met the famous Chad) and played pool late into the night. This morning we went to Trav’s church and there was a fabulous speaker. Not too much is pre-planned for the week..going to a Phil Keaggy concert on Tuesday which will be awesome. Alright, we’re off to make some lunch. Oh, I’m surrounded by deer heads right now…and going up the stairs there is a bear skin, an elk, and a caribou, it’s great.