I need to apologize to and right a good man’s name. I need to apologize because I was the one who dirtied his name. I believed gossip and then posted it in a blog about a good friend of mine from high school. I am sorry, and sorry doesn’t seem to be enough for what I did. This man, Steven, is the one person who showed me I could write when I didn’t believe I had any talents. Steven could sit down and write a best selling book of poems in a week, and yet he took time to read through everything I wrote and to encourage me. It was he who taught me the important lesson that I need not care what another person in this world thinks about me. Steven has this amazing personality that draws everyone to him and yet throughout high school he would always make time for nobody me. How do I go about thanking him? I slander his name on a public forum. I thought it only right to finally let the truth about him be known in a public forum as well.

This seals it. I bid the blog world good-bye forever.

Friends my blog has been lacking of late. I’ve felt it a while now and finally one of my friends had the guts to say something to me about it. I think its because I realized I was writing for an audience now. It moved from a glimpse of me to me writing devotionals or sermon notes. Not that those things are bad, it’s just not what you’d expect from something called “a work in progress.”

Then I think…maybe I don’t want to post my life up here anymore. I want to share that stuff through conversation instead of always saying, “like I wrote in my blog the other day…” Should I even continue with this little journal or should I close house and go back to writing in a notebook? Why should I be posting my deepest thoughts on here – shouldn’t I just be open with people and share them in person anyway?

So let me tell you about my day. Today I spent most of the day with Matt. We went to his nephew’s Christening. While we were driving back to Trinity Matt asks me if I had a good time, to which I smiled and said yes. In my head all I could think was: it’s the most gorgeous day and I’ve spent it with the person I care about most in this world – of course I had a good time, an amazing time.

When we got back I spent some time outside with Travis and then I went to youth group. After which I picked Matt up at work and then went home to practice some small group presentations I have tomorrow. Went for a midnight run to Walgreens with Ang and now I’m going to bed.

Is this how they are supposed to be? I’ve forgotten.

She looks at me. Her eyes are pools. They grow wide and give me the look I can read all too well. She screams, “make me feel significant, special, and valuable,” without having to say a word. Often I’ve tried to be the one to meet her want for worth, but I cannot. It’s draining and demanding and a person cannot experience the feeling of worth from the lips of another human. My words spoken to her melt away in minutes. She expects me to meet this need in her and walks away disappointed.

It made me think at times how I am this way. I place these expectations on certain people and then am let down when they don’t meet them or fulfill them. How nuts. A person cannot be what I have them in my mind to be, they only need be who they were made to be. Don’t have expectations because often the only place they lead is disappointment.

If you know me well then you know about the book Systematic Theology by Wayne Grudem. Today I learned the story of why Grudem left Trinity to work at a small seminary in Arizona. Turns out that Grudem’s wife was suffering from pain in all her joints. Her and him went on vacation to Arizona and when she was there her pain disappeared (climate stuff). Grudem told her he would like to try to find a job there so they could move there and she could be pain free again. She told him not to, she told him he had worked too hard as a professor at one of the best seminaries worldwide to then move to a dinky one no one knew about would be ridiculous. Grudem wouldn’t hear it. He loved his wife more then his prestige or his dreams. He inquired at a seminary in Arizona and they offered him a job. They said they respected him so much that they would just pay him to research and write books as he wishes, he doesn’t even need to teach or work. Everything worked out for Grudem’s best because he took the risk to place someone else before himself.

That’s love.

I watched Shadowlands tonight, which is the story of C.S. Lewis finding his wife and then her dieing. It was amazing to watch him take care of her and devote himself to her.

That’s love.

I want to be loved like that. Makes me think about the future. So often I’ve seen the job of a wife as the submissive one equal the neglected one. She is last on the list because out of love she sacrifices her desires to be first on her husband’s list. That is so wrong. After rethinking this view I know that is not how God set marriage up to be. I feel like this is a selfish statement but I will not settle for being low down on the priority list. He will be second next to God, and I will be second on his list. Yes this means we put each other before our jobs, and *gasp* the kids.

This is long enough. Thanks Ang for the midnight drive. It always helps me relax. Thanks for all the conversation too – we hit some pretty great topics tonight. Night.

Was just up because I'm the RA on duty and I had to go shut off the side door alarm. Oh the excitement that next year will hold with such important jobs at hand.

Here’s a quickie...

After a hard day Jesus turns to his disciples and says, “Come with me, by yourselves, to a quiet place and get some rest” (Mark 6:31). Isn’t that a welcome statement at the end of a hectic school year?

Noticeably there are three sections to this verse. Christ says, “Come with me,” tells us not to seek our comfort from others, when you are tired seek out living water. “By yourselves,” don’t come with others, come to me (Christ speaking) first, with just you because that’s the offering I want. “To a quiet place and get some rest,” pull away from the distractions in life, push aside business and spend time with me and I promise to restore you.

There is so much to be said about seeking company in Christ alone. There is something about sitting before the throne that restores and refreshes any weariness.

Went for a much-needed walk tonight. It was just God, the stars and me. I realized that, of late, I have neglected going for night walks and I need to be more intentional about taking them. I have much on my mind, but in all honesty the thoughts are all scattered.

When I was out walking the moonlight set the puddles glowing. Two shadows became more companions for me and I noticed that while these two friends walked in the same direction they never met. I was trying to figure out some deeper meaning (I’m always digging). Then I noticed they all joined at my feet. It made me think of all the different things I enjoy doing and have a heart for – sometimes I feel fragmented, but I need to remember it all joins together somehow. I know it’s cheesy, but it helped me.

Trees always look like still-framed pictures to me in the dimness. One of my favorite things to do at night is to stand under a bare tree and look up. The branches twisting together against a charcoal sky is spectacular. There is beauty in common things.

It’s no wonder that Satan is called a prowling lion. Sometimes it seems that he pursues us so much more then God – let me qualify that by saying I know that’s wrong, I know Christ pursues us like a Shepard after his prized lamb. It’s just when Satan is after us you’re afraid to turn your back for fear that moments later you’ll find claw marks down it. You feel yourself being stalked. You feel like he’s crouched behind every bush waiting to pounce and you begin to feel helpless to ward him off. Alas you can, but when you are being hunted it’s scary.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the word “deserve” lately. I’ve been thinking about it a lot because I’ve been struggling with the fact that I don’t deserve anything and yet I receive. I don’t deserve the relationship I now have with my mom. I don’t deserve to live in a country that always defeats those we oppose. I don’t deserve to be safe. I don’t deserve education. I don’t deserve to plan a future when others in this world cannot imagine a tomorrow. I don’t deserve the sacrifice of Christ. Wouldn’t it just make things easier if there was a way to give back…if there was a way to deserve? But there is no way.

So where have I found to sit on the issue? Somewhere in between grace, thanksgiving, and humility. When faced with the thought: “I don’t deserve this,” it is much easier to hand those things over to our Creator. We say, “Why not give it over; it wasn’t mine to claim in the beginning.” Maybe God has made it this way so that once realized, we find submission an easy yoke.

I’m not making sense, even to myself. I bid you all adieu.

Good stuff from Michael Card because I cannot think of good stuff on my own tonight. Michael Card today said that Christ didn’t come to bring truth, he came to make us true. He didn’t need to bring truth because he was truth, and his job was not to convince us but to help those who wanted to become true. Interesting. He also said that often Jesus would say, “do not be afraid,” and if we as Christians don’t need to ‘fear’ God then what is there we need ever be afraid of?

I’m completely uninspired and I hate it because I know the reason why. My prayer life has been a joke today and I know that’s why I’m feeling drained and insipid. Goodnight all.

God told Moses that he would win the battle as long as he held his staff over his head. Moses had faced many things by this time and was probably thinking, “Piece of cake. I’ve seen God do tons through me. I can hold a little staff over my head, no biggie.” This experienced God follower does just that. The battle starts out strong, but slowly Moses’ arms grow tired and begin to droop. Try as he might he cannot hold them up on his own even though this was his ordained task. The foreign army begins to defeat the Israelites, but then Moses’ friends step in. For the rest of the battle Aaron and Hur held up Moses’ arms so the staff would remain above his head. Moses couldn’t have done the duty that God had given if it had not been for his friends.

How backwards this seems to us. When God gives me a task shouldn’t I just carry it out on my own? God didn’t tell Aaron and Hur to help Moses. So often, so full of pride, I do the work of God alone claiming for it to be my own special calling. Calling pride that is like saying manure is pretty because it was done next to a patch of flowers.

Our first inclination as humans is to keep glory and pride for ourselves. Listen to any three-year-old: “No! I can do it myself.” Are we so different? Through my actions I say that same childish statement when I do not ask my friends for help, and more so when I do not ask my heavenly Father for help. We do anything to not look weak and helpless, well at least I do. I kept the fact that I was sick a secret for two months for the foolish reason that I didn’t want to be seen as weak. God help me, I might as well be three-years-old because I have so much I still need to learn and so much to hand over yet.

I walked slowly back to my dorm tonight because I wanted the splendor around me to linger. The air was crisp, refreshing. The night sky was slate blue with wispy clouds. It looked like a painted delft tile. I didn’t think that frozen trees could capture my interest any more then they had yesterday, but I was wrong. At night they are gorgeous. The ice sparkles as moonlight catches them and the branches twinkle like we have our own little stars here on Trinity’s campus. Go take a peek at night before they melt.

Today it snowed. All day people have been grumbling, but I cannot help but grin. Maybe this is God’s way of showing us that He is the god of the unexpected, the god of surprises. He does not work in our perimeters and we need to be reminded of this. We expected beauty in the form of warm sunshine, but God gave us beauty clothed in white. Today I experienced frozen trees for the first time. The trees are so ridged because of the layer of ice on them. They wave very slowly, like old men whose joints pop with every step. I’ve been reminded that I don’t serve a predictable God, and I am ever thankful for that.

Today was just a day. Travis, I was just sitting here thinking how you are one of the only people who can get me to go from, “I’m not thinking of anything” to spilling – how do you know when my mind is stirring? Is it written clear as sun light across my face? I’ve never considered myself an easy person to read, or even a deep pondering person, but you seem to believe otherwise.

Lots of different thoughts about God and the life of a Christian today. I’ve been lost in thought on the subject of spiritual arrogance all week. It seems to be an epidemic among Christians, including myself. A chapel speaker last week pointed out that we become prideful when we compare ourselves to others. We say, “I’m not like that, I am a better Christian, I don’t struggle with such sin.” Our eyes should never be on others. When we have eye-contact with God alone we see how much we do not measure up to Him and we are rightly humbled by our pitiful state. There is no way to have pride and have the right focus. Spiritual arrogance is a warning sign that our focus has been lost.

What does greatness look like? We humans have always had a wrong view of greatness. When a Messiah was foretold we pictured a military hero, someone who would come in like a swashbuckler and save the day with a bang. That’s greatness to us, but Christ shook His head at our views. Christ showed us that greatest is a ministry of being last. Greatness is getting down on your knees and scrubbing the calloused, dusty, sweaty feet of twelve men. Greatness is remaining silent when being accused. Greatness is embracing a leaper.

More treasures from the Old Testament. I love reading the Old Testament because it is stories of real men who lived at all costs for God. Often I ask myself, what does it take to be a Christian? Then I come to the prophets of the OT and am amazed by their lives.

Men like Ezekiel. Ezekiel had a wife that he adored. She was everything to him, the Bible calls her his one delight. One day God spoke to Ezekiel and told him that his wife was going to die by then end of the day. God told Ezekiel not to mourn for her. He was not to cry, not to eat mourning food or go into mourning. Even though it was the most difficult thing he had ever had to do Ezekiel obeyed (Ezekiel 18). He didn’t cry, he didn’t mourn for his great love – he followed God.

Men like Micaiah. Micaiah was famous for telling people things they didn’t want to hear because he only cared what God thought of him. In the midst of four hundred people and the King, Micaiah stood up and said, “hey, you’re all wrong.” It would be the equivalent to standing up at your church in the middle of a worship service led by your pastor and telling them they were all wrong (II Chronicles). He faced tremendous odds and oppositions – he followed God.

Do I even need to talk about the life of Hosea? The prophet called to love, marry, and have a family with a prostitute who was prone to running away with other men (Hosea 1-3)? He faced hardship beyond what most of us can imagine – he followed God.

And thus ends my thoughts for the day. Well I had more thoughts then these but these I wanted to share. Night friends.

What we do with independence is a funny thing sometimes. Today I chose to flaunt my independence by doing something my dad never allowed us to do in our home: take a shower when there is a thunderstorm. My dad has this belief that when there is a thunderstorm you must turn off everything in your house, not answer the phones, or use water. When there is a thunderstorm we would all just sit in the dark and stair at the wall. So today I showered and talked on the phone during the storm just for the fact of being able to, and the whole time all I could think was: wouldn’t it just figure if I got electrocuted.

I was really excited yesterday to find that the girls in my group took my challenge seriously. I challenged them to read their Bibles like they eat. I usually start out my day reading in the Old Testament, read either Psalms or Proverbs in the afternoon, and then read in the New Testament at night. If I miss one of these times its like I’m missing a meal. I start feeling weary and so hungry for the Word that I will skip a class if needs be. I challenged the girls to do this, to spread their Bible reading throughout the day and see what an impact it had on them and see how they learn to depend on it. They are doing it! They have been coming up to me one by one and telling me what a difference it has made in their devotional time and how they now see what spiritual hunger is…amen for that.

A verse is coming to my mind tonight: to whom much is given much is required. I have questions about that one.

A friend of mine doesn’t go to church very often anymore and when I asked him why his reply was, “I don’t get anything out of it anymore.” This is a common response. I nodded and then went on my way until all the sudden it hit me….that is not what church is at all. You don’t go to church to get something out of it, you go to church to give something. Your time at church is a opportune time to present a sweet offering to God. Too many people are upset with church or chapel because they don’t feel fed. Here’s the ringer folks - you don’t go to church to be fed. Once you grow out of spiritual infancy you no longer need others to feed you, it is your job to feed yourself. You’re a big kid now. Pick the fork up for yourself and dig in, stop waiting for a spoon-feeding.

Lastly, I must echo what Travis wrote about goodnight calls. Sometimes that phone call is the biggest thing I look forward to in my day. Sometimes just hearing about the day of someone you care about, even if they don’t see it as exciting, is the best thing you’ve heard all day because you just want to be in their life. Matt, my best nights are the ones when your voice saying goodnight is the last thing I hear. I will miss you very much this summer.

With my banning of internet during the day I have been finding myself blogging late into the night. Each day I post after midnight and then it has the date for the next day when it’s really the thoughts of the prior day. Alas, I think you all understand.

Do you know what I hear a lot? “Jess, you have a lot of potential.” At first I took this as an encouragement. Someone saw something in me that could be big if I cultivated. That word use to get me excited and I’d charge ahead with whatever was before me. But I’ve been told I’ve had potential for years now, when is it ever going to be? To have potential is to have the capability of being but not yet being in existence. I’m sick of having potential, I want to be whatever it is I have the potential to be, and yet everyone points out to me I’m still at the beginning. I still just have the “potential.”

One of my greatest fears is that I will die that way. That I will die with potential – unused potential. I will never become what it is I should have been, but will always be in the beginning with nothing but vision. Vision is fine, but vision is nothing without plans and actions.

This rain has been piddling all day greatly reducing the number of people that I can watch walking around outside. The song ‘not in Nodingham’ from Disney’s Robin Hood has been going through my head as the fat drops hit my window. I wish it would just go ahead and pour in sheets. I cannot wait for the first thunderstorm of the season. Then on the other hand I’m bursting for another great night to go rambling around in the park again. I wanted to go and just wander around there alone tonight but I was told that is probably not the safest idea.

Great surprise of the day – Lisa Marie randomly showed up at FAT tonight. I turn around at the end and she just about knocked me over with a hug! I love you so much Lisa and I’m thrilled that you’ll be here next year.

What time is it now? Yup, its time to finish up my homework for tomorrow. Night all.

This story is really Coopers’:

There once was a monkey who lived happily in the jungle. He was a good little monkey who loved to help others. One day the little monkey saw a fish struggling to swim upstream. Oh no! Poor fish! Someone had to help him. The brave little monkey sprung into action and risked his life by dangling from a vine to scoop the fish out of the current. The good little monkey then carried the fish over and placed him onto the dry land. The fish jumped about and the little monkey was so excited that the fish seemed so happy. After, it looked like the fish was done celebrating for being saved he became peaceful and seemed content to rest. What a good little monkey.

The point to the story is obvious. The monkey sprung into action doing what he deemed best because it was best for him. If it had been the monkey in the water he would have been drowning, so he assumed the same for the fish. He didn’t stop to think what the fish needed or where the fish was at. Sounds a whole lot like me when I try to help people.

I use to have this obsession with checking people’s away messages and seeing how long they had been on, but this whole giving up of IM for 31 days has been nothing but great. Of course I miss chatting with people, but then it forces me to communicate through real means. I find myself on the phone more with people, or in flesh spending time together. Along with praying more and reading more Scripture I’ve found myself simply just using my time better.

Today I spent quality time with the people I love the most. I went for a drive with Evan, a run with Kim, to Jamba with Kim and Dorothy, to the hospital with Matt to see Aaron, then out to Baker’s Square with Matt, Travis, and Ang. I love the whole lot of you more than you’ll ever know. This is a day worth bottling.

As “Come What May” blasts louder than it should past quiet hours I sit here recollecting my thoughts. What should I say about the day and what should I leave unsaid?

I went to a candle lighting tonight and the story was beautiful. I’m such a sap; as she told her engagement story I’m sitting there blinking away tears. You would have been too if you heard this letter her then boyfriend wrote to her. He had the ring for two months and wrote her a letter everyday and then gave her the journal full of love letters when he purposed.

In class I dominated a discussion about what the future holds. I just don’t understand why they want us to know what we’ll be doing in three years. Who knows if I’ll still be on earth tomorrow let alone three years from now. I’m confused about the future and I admitted that to my small group. Every dream I have has nothing to do with making money or having a career. I know how life will look, but the job aspect – no clue as of now. There is intelligence in planning ahead and figuring out a calling, but my calling isn’t conventional. Too often we get stuck in tomorrow thinking though. Things that I want to do with my calling don’t seem to come into play until married life, of which I am not in right now, so if I get stuck on thinking of my calling as such then what am I to do right now? If we think of our calling/mission as something that is going to happen then we miss out on what is happening right now and that my friends is tragic. God is shaking you up right now…do you feel Him? He’s present and has a calling for you in this minute of life…don’t let it be like the last warm day of fall that you foolishly chose to spend indoors watching television.

Seize life NOW. Pull off the apathy that is clinging so tightly. Force away from yourself the motions of religion. Begin living in the abandon that God has ordained for us and finish never.

Today I found myself resting in grace and realizing that’s the only way I get through each day. God is beyond words to me. Why would He want freckle-faced little me? I am dirty, unworthy, and insignificant. I am such a child, running around and when I come back with a skinned knee He still kisses it even though I was where I shouldn’t have been. I want to delight Him. I want to make Him proud. I want my life to be a dance for Him – a dance that needs not others watching, or others dancing, a dance that needs not music, or applause. I want to cling to Him like my life depends on it….because it does.