A great fear of mine is for life to become second nature, for living to feel repetitive. How dangerous that is. I dread that each day will become the same and that the phenomenon of life will become something that isn’t even given a second thought. So many people live this way.

It is my aim that my life never be taken for granted like that. It is for that reason that I plod out into the snow at midnight to go for a stroll. Everyone thinks I’m nuts. They all refuse to go walking with me in the cold, but it’s those little things that show you the preciousness of life.

I’m very happy to be alone in my room right now. I love my friends and all those in my life, but there is something to be said of solitude, of listening to silence. People who cannot be alone are simply afraid of their own thoughts.

There is a joy in knowing that there is nothing pressing to take your time for the next hour. Most times I try to busy myself. Surely I could find something worthwhile to do for the next hour, surely there is some homework for Monday, or someone to call and talk with, or paperwork to sort through, or something to clean.

The chapel speaker this week said something to me made me start thinking though. We were talking and he says to me, “well, you know that busyness is a form of idolatry.” Wait a second; I’ve always heard that idle hands were the devil’s play ground? Keep busy and you’ll stay out of trouble…stay out of sin. This can become way overdone though…Mark (the chapel speaker) said that a big problem with never having downtime makes life go by too fast and he went on to say that burnout is faintly demonic.

Interesting ideas…I think the man may have some sort of point.

I have to say how much I appreciate my friend Evan. On Tuesday he made it a point to tell me “you’ve been looking really good these last few weeks.” Now, don’t think I’m shallow here, but that comment made my day. Evan is good at knowing when someone really needs to be built up and I just want to recognize that. He reads people well, knows their insecurities and then pours on the encouragement…that is a rarity. Evan now calls me “skinny-minny” and when he hugged me yesterday he lifted me off the ground. Now that’s what I call a confidence booster. Thanks Evan, thanks for taking a minute out of your day to make me feel special.

Alright, this day is going to be fabulous. Why you ask? Well, two of my friends from camp are coming tonight and spending the night with me (and there was much rejoicing)!! Lisa, Bree, and I are going to have so much fun. I haven’t seen them since this summer.

Now its time for Kappa Tau, then lunch, then accountability, homework, work, meet up with Lisa and Bree, and then to night chapel. Love on you all!

Confusion. My thoughts refuse me rest tonight. I’ve felt trounced all day and I tried to chase it all away, but to no avail.

I’m looking at a picture of a lake at sunset and wishing that I could be there. Maybe I’d feel more together there. Maybe this outlook would melt away if I were in the middle of that lake laying in a canoe with my Bible and my journal for my only company. I’d love to close my eyes and let the last rays of the day warm me…comfort me.

But even in such grandeur my mind would still be haunted. The mayhem that’s dancing in my head would tango on down into the most tender place of my heart. A person can never escape her own thoughts.

Missed opportunities torture me tonight. “If only” is not a friendly bedfellow. Confusion.

God keeps whispering to me. “I’ve created you to be bold Jess, stop squandering that. I poured creativity into you, so for my sake use it. I blessed you with a mind of reason, start letting others in on the thoughts I give you. I made you passionate, so spill out onto others already. Stop waiting for the right moment because its already passed, stop fearing and start seizing the adventure that’s before you. Sojourn those friendships that are holding you back, ignore the looks, and disregard the critics. Do what I’ve told you and for pity sake just stop being an observer.”

It’s true; God has made me to be bold, a fighter, a writer, an aficionado and so much more then what I’m settling for. So from here on out I choose to take the risk of living as God created me. If that means opening my mouth when I’d rather not so be it, if that means being transparent when I’d sooner put up walls then bring it on. The Jessica this world has fashioned is dieing so that Christ can live through this body.

I was reading for class and the quote stuck out to me, “The Bible tells us – we are often the most blind to the clearest realities concerning ourselves.” That’s so true. I would have been stuck in so many stupid sins if it had not been for friends rebuking me. God’s placed very remarkable people in my life who will look me in the eye and tell me what’s going on. I have only gotten a pinky hold on how thankful I am for these blessings and in that thought I’ll find my rest tonight.

Once again it comes time to blog. I could tell you all about the ins and outs of my past days, lessons learned in class, what’s hidden in my heart or the wanderings of my mind. These first two subjects would be a pretty long and tiring reading. The third subject wishes to remain secret to the blog world, so you are left with the latter.

A quick side note…if you don’t read Oswald Chamber’s: My Utmost For His Highest…you should. It’s a day-by-day devotional that challenges the pants off of me. It takes one minute to read and here’s a link to it…things cannot get easier! http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/utmost/

In class today my professor asked us to say choices in our lives that we have made because of faith and all my peers had a hard time coming up with any. A couple people offered that its just not something that happens a lot anymore, and they just couldn’t think of something in their lives to date that would be considered that. WHAT?!?! Assessing the class I found that everyone (except myself) grew up in solid Christian families and their parents have always helped make choices and supported them every step of the way.

Dare I say it, but I’m glad I did not have such a luxury. I'm glad I was forced to know my faith as my own from its beginning stages. Each day has been a step of faith for me since I became a Christian as a teen. I didn’t have parents to advise me in such a way so I went right to God with issues. Sometimes I’ve been made to feel like I’m second-hand because I didn’t have the normal ‘I grew up in a Christian family’ background; when people talk about their amazing godly parents and siblings I slunk into my seat.

No longer must I slink into my chair though. I now see that since I became a Christian I do have a Parent to go to and I do come from a perfect and godly family. I have been adopted by and dwell with God. Christ told us flat out that in his kingdom there are no grandparents…my lineage carries holy blood…how awesome is that?!

I’ve found home. I have the godly brothers and sisters I always longed for. I am a daughter loved unconditionally. I come from the Christian family.

I dreamt last night, which is a rarity for me. It started and I was it a thicket, but this wasn’t just like any run of the mill thicket. This thicket was higher than any trees that I have seen; it was pitch dark in it. I didn’t know how I had gotten in the middle of this thicket, all I knew was that I was in it and I couldn’t see a way out in any direction…there was just dense brush and thorns twisting for miles. It was so dense that it seemed impassable but for some reason I was determined to climb out. I was crawling and climbing through the mess and it was so hot in there and thorns kept catching my skin, making me bleed.

I was exhausted, sweaty, and my muscles tense when I came upon a clearing. There was a pond and a fruit tree there and I could have rested there…even lived there fine but I didn’t, I went back into the thicket and kept climbing. I pressed on; this time the copse had even more thorns.

Finally I found the way out and I stumbled out and fell on the ground. It was sunny out so I kept blinking and as my eyes began to adjust I realized that there were feet in front of me…someone was there with me. I squinted as I looked up and I smiled at a familiar face. My best friend was standing there, he squatted down and asked, “Jess what took you so long?” And that’s when I woke up.

Last night I had so much fun with my friends Matt and Aaron. We went out and just spent time together…I don’t know what I did to deserve spending my evening in the company of two very handsome men of character.

Well I need to jump in the shower and get my day started! Tonight we’re celebrating Shari’s birthday…happy birthday Shari!

Well it’s the wee hours of January 23, 2003 and a thought comes to mind…if Matt and I had still been dating then today would have been a very special day – today would have officially marked one year of dating.

It’s a strange feeling…like someone told me to wait ten days to open a gift. I placed the gift on the table and everyday I would walk past it and get more and more excited about what was inside and then finally I woke up on the tenth day only to find that my gift was gone. Anticipation and waiting for nothing, I was all built up only to be built up for nothing.

Only a year ago Matt and I sat in JHL…him smelling like Mexican food and I just bumming out in my pj’s and we decided to start dating. I threw my arms around him…so happy to be able to call him mine. What a strange contrast to tonight. I miss so many things about Matt…not that we aren’t friends because we are, the best of, but there is a difference between dating and being buddies.

Not that I regret our decision to step back from dating. It was a step of obedience that God was very clear on, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Both of us have learned so much in the past week alone and it’s exciting. The thing I love the most is watching Matt grow into a man of God – that brings me so much joy. God is drawing him closer and making the person I think is an already amazing man even better.

God awes me. Today I was singing “knowing you” during FAT and just started crying. The first verse speaks about taking what you hold dear and when you place it next to Christ its nothing. That’s something that’s been on my mind lately; to figure out what I hold dear and see if I’m to the place where if God said “do you love me enough to say good-bye to that?” that I could answer Him yes. It’s a hard road to travel…but it is the road God is calling us to and a road that is full of disguised blessings.

Thursdays are very slow days for me, I’m not complaining mind you, just stating that they are slow. I have one class at eight in the morning and then I work an hour with Joel, then I usually head for a leisurely lunch and have nothing pressing to do until work at five. I’m really looking forward to FAT tonight and then a long nights rest.

A fabulous thing happened today! My friend Aaron told me he wants to help lead a small group in my high school youth group. I contained my joy in his presence but I am bouncing off the walls about it; Aaron is a man after God’s heart and the high schoolers are going to be blessed by just knowing him.

When I was walking to class ten minutes late. I was in a rush so I wasn’t watching what was in front of me and as I crossed the lawn by Carlson my forehead smacked into a low hanging branch and I fell very ungracefully onto the ground. I sat a little shocked on the ground for a moment and then checked to see if anyone had seen me…the coast was clear so I made a dash to class.

I read through the book of Ruth a couple times yesterday and a theme of trust, hardships, and blessing really stuck out to me. Ruth had to trust Naomi and Naomi’s God – that if she left all she knew that she would still be taken care of and protected. Ruth faced the death of her husband, left behind her family, and then lived with/took care of her mother-in-law. She could have run back home like Orpah, but instead she chose to face hardship and God blessed her for it. God blessed Ruth with Boaz and they were able to “live happily ever after,” but more then that were the blessings from all this that Ruth never even got to see! Through Ruth and Boaz came the bloodline of Kind David and Christ.

Our choices have ramifications that we may not even get to see….and we may never see the blessings that come from the hardships that we face. How many people have come to know the Lord through the story of Jim Elliot’s life and death? Jim will never know the blessings that have come.

If I have time I’m going to write more tonight…I want to write more now but this is pretty long already.

I had no intention of blogging this morning, but alas I showered and I cannot think of anything to do that I haven’t already done this morning to pass the time while my hair dries. So here I sit, my dripping hair, my 30 cent yogurt, and my thoughts.

When I rolled out of bed this morning I said to God that I’m going to choose love today. No matter what I’m faced with or what happens I’m going to choose to face those things with love and I will choose to face the people I encounter today with love. How unromantic Jessica, love shouldn’t be a choice but a feeling…you cheapen love with this line of thinking. I beg to differ though for the greatest love we have ever known and never will understand was a choice. God did not look at humanity and giggle with warm fuzzies. God choose to love us, and to call that unromantic…friends our love affair with God is the most romantic and adventurous love story you will ever find. So today I choose love.

Us Christians often speak about hearing the voice of God. Not often do we speak of hearing the voice of another, even though his voice speaks to us in every moment and his words dig into us. Yes, I’m talking about the voice of the evil one – we hear his voice often and many times we brush them off as our own thoughts. Yesterday I was walking around campus and each person I passed knew my name and said hi. I was greeted with smiles and hugs by a good number of them and then the voice came, “Too bad Jess. Everyone cares about you except the one person you want to care about you.” The words cut and I found myself discouraged and then all the sudden I snapped out of it. They were not true and as a child of God, Satan has no authority to speak lies into my head. Why would anyone want to serve a master who cuts into you like that, one who takes cheap shots?

Finally on a not serious note…I’ve decided to give up on my fight against the word “cute.” I’ve always told everyone that it’s a fine word to describe a puppy whose tripping over his own ears, or a painting done by a little sister…but don’t tell someone over the age of fourteen that they are cute. You’d understand better if you were like me, 5’5 and had a splash of freckles across your face and the best thing people could say was, “you’re so cute.” Those of us in this category always hope for the word “pretty” or “beautiful” but we get “cute,” you could understand our disappointment. But I’ve come to terms with it; if someone complements me using that term I am going to take it as such instead of analyzing the word.

For not planning to blog I sure know how to ramble on! It’s just when these fingers find keys and they are free to dance across them it’s quite an ordeal to get them to stop!

What to send out into the blog world tonight? I really don't know what to write about tonight…usually I think about what to write in my blog during the day but today I was running from place to place and didn’t really have time for pondering.

A friend of mine looked at me today, her eyes welding up with tears, and asked me how I can ever know anything is true or certain. She said that it bugs her that I can be stable all the time and she wanted to know how I could be sure there really was something to hope for. You see, there were things in my life I was certain about only a week ago that now I’m not, there were things I hoped for that now seem out of reach and she wanted to know how I can face that all and not falter.

My friend said that I must have a heart of stone to go through what I am and act the way I am acting. I assured her that I did not…that my stableness did not have to do with my heart but it had to do with what I put my hope in.

A story I once heard tells of a submarine that got stuck on the ocean's floor. There were fifteen men on board who were trapped and as the days went by their air supply lessened. A team of scuba divers were sent down to assess the situation and what they found was bad news. There was no possible way to save the men in the submarine. As the scuba divers began to swim away one of them heard tapping that he recognized as mores code. A trapped man tapped out, “Is there any hope?” The scuba diver didn’t know how to answer until finally he tapped back one word: “Jesus” and then he had to swim away.

Too often we allow our fears and doubts to trap us. Too often we let uncertainty win us over and allow hope to die, and it is all because we place our hope in fall gods and dream small dreams.

The statistic that says 50% of marriages end in divorce has always freaked me out. Especially because the statistic stays the same in Christian marriages…do any of us have a chance? But I must share with you a statistic that has made me feel a lot better and one that is hardly published. Turns out that there is a less than 2% divorce rate when a marriage is between two virgins..yeah for going about marriage the way God has planned.....I have nothing more to say tonight

Why do people move the showerhead? I have only found one angle that allows for a pleasant shower so I cannot understand why someone always readjusts it. Why would you have the water pointed at the back of the tub? Today I’m standing in the shower and I bend over to turn the water on and as I look up the water surges right into my eyes! This person is out to get me so I think I’m going to duct tape the showerhead in place…that’ll show them!

Yesterday my friend told me that if it had been up to her in the Garden of Eden that she knows she wouldn’t have taken the apple. This got me thinking..would any of us have done differently in the garden? I had to decide upon no and I think that people saying that they could have done better only proves the point even more…we humans don’t have the humility to do otherwise. We don’t even have the humility to admit that we would have messed up too.

Oh! I wanted to say on this blog that I really love my roommate and am glad that we got placed together. The whole past week her and I stayed up until like 2am everyday just talking about everything. I walked into the room the other day and looked at her and was just like, “I am so happy to be your roommate,” and she jumped up and hugged me.

I’ve been praying for God to really pour affirmation onto others through me. There is such power in affirmation and there is such a need for it. Who knows how people might be different today if someone had affirmed them along the way? I think nice things about people..so I might as well tell them because who knows..no one else may. I have learned that there is nothing wrong with telling people exactly how you feel or what you think because how else are they suppose to know?

Hmm, it looks like I’ve written a lot today but the other blog with this date on it is really from yesterday. I have many thoughts on my mind today, the first of which is what is it that makes retainers so expensive? If I bought plastic and wires and glued them together it wouldn’t cost more than $2 and yet my dentist charges me $200…the government must be a part of this conspiracy in one way or another.

I was reminded yesterday that Satan is a roaring lion waiting to devour us and the thought occurred to me that if he is a roaring lion why is it that we often do not see his attack on us until it is too late and what does it look like when he devours us? How does a roaring lion sneak up on us? Yet, he does tiptoe in and his roar is heard in the voices of those around us. These are the voices that tell us we are not good enough, smart enough, or worth enough. They come through a look of a stranger or the mockery of a friend. Though we stand as the voices come and seem unmoved it is our heart that is continually sliced into and devoured by those voices repeating in our minds until all that is left on our inside; the person we truly are, looks like the bloody mess a lion chokes down on the discovery channel.

We are part of a minute-by-minute battle that has eternal significance. Each choice that is made though out the day will matter in the end. A cosmic war ensues and we are enlisted soldiers and there will be casualties. And here is where I stand, a sworn warrior who will face the risk of combat knowing full well that I may come back with scars if I come back at all. But that’s just it…friends we are the only ones with a cause worth dieing for!

When I was sitting in church this morning I remembered one time when I made my mom a necklace out of noodles. Yes, I took yarn and strung clunky noodles on it and with pride presented it to my mom. I will always remember her reaction…she beamed as she put it on and told me how beautiful it was. My mother wore the hideous necklace all day and did so with enthusiasm. That happens with God too. Try as we might even though God should be given diamonds sometimes the best we can present him with is a string of noodles and God accepts it and his heart is overjoyed with us because he knows that although he deserves more, that our simple gift was one of love. We gather dandelions and hand them to our Savior and instead of telling us that they are weeds he places them as the centerpiece on his royal table. We serve an amazing God.

Last thing (promise)! A man that I respect asked me the other day how Matt and I are doing. I then simply told him “we are no longer dating” and that’s all I said. After a moment the man sat quietly and then said, “I always thought that you two hide behind busyness.” The comment made me turn to face him and I said, “I don’t hide behind busyness! My schedule is packed and there is just no way around it.” The man shrugged and said, “Everything is a choice Jessica…therefore you choose busyness, I’m just asking why you choose busyness.” Hmm, that is something I will have to digest a little longer…..

I feel like I have sat at a smorgasbord and I pilled up my plate with all the goodness of life and now I am going to bed feeling like I ate every penny’s worth of my day. It started with quality time eating stale food with Kate and politely turning down the very first pot of coffee she had ever brewed. Then lots of time on the phone (I love you Bekah) and the day ended with fun times in 302. I forget sometimes how many quality people there are on this campus. Talked with Chris a lot and it was so encouraging…we ended up having similar backgrounds and really a ton to relate about. At 11:30 they made me promise to come back next weekend.

I’ve been working at a youth group for the last semester and really praying for leadership opportunities. Well, I got an answer to pray that is intimidating. The youth pastor I worked under resigned and is leaving as of the end of the month and all that’s left is four of us college kids. Ken calls me last night and says that him and I need to lead worship on Sunday. I told him I could help if he needed a tambourine player, but past that all I could do was help him put together a group. We put it all together quickly and had practice today. My heart goes out to the students in our youth group. A lot of them are very angry right now and feel completely abandoned and Ken, Shari, and myself don’t have a clue where to go from here. It’s a group of about eighty kids and we don’t even know them all by name.

Oh, quick thing I have to share! I have a teacher this semester that gets me so worked up - him and I butt heads at least once a week. Last semester he made me leave class a half hour early because I said I disagreed with him. Now I have him for Teaching the Bible and I got all riled up the other day because he said that we should never play devil’s advocate with people so I told him I disagreed with him again. Why can’t I just keep my mouth shut in class? The man has been a minister and missionary for many years and I don’t know if it’s my place to challenge his ideas.

I may not have expressed it in this enough but today was really one full of joy that I can only attribute to God. As I walked back to my room from work I had a huge silly grin plastered to my face and I just couldn’t get rid of it. I’m just really happy and content in life right now and its inexpressible. I feel like I’m glowing and suddenly it hits me why I cannot wipe the smile from my face: passion my friends – passion for God and passion for life has returned.

I feel like dancing around, like throwing my head back and laughing from the very pit of my stomach, like running with a herd of horses…how can I go to sleep with such Splendor on my mind? But sleep I must because church and youth group call for my attention tomorrow. Think I’m going to read another chapter in the Sacred Romance and then see if sleep finds me. I still smell like spaghetti…

I am convinced that laughter is the song God gives to those without a tune, and clumsiness is the rhythm given to those who cannot dance. Kindness is the beauty given to the plain and humility is the strength bestowed on the weak.

Do you remember on Pee-Wee’s playhouse when there was a word of the day? When anyone said it (usually the unsuspecting mailman) then everything in Pee-Wee’s playhouse would go nuts…the chair and all. Well, I don’t know why anyone would want to sit in a talking chair or why any parent would let their kids be entertained by a man named Pee-Wee, but I do have a word for the day.

The word of the day is “consumed.” And the question of the day is: what do you let consume you? If that answer is anything other then God then each day you will only face defeat. Each struggle will ultimately end up ruling you and each fear you allow to enter into you will take control. But, oh let me tell you the comfort and joy that is found when you are consumed by Christ. The other day God stopped me mid-sentence and was like, “Jess just let me consume you completely and see what happens.” To be consumed is to live in security and the care of Him.

Now for random thoughts: I watched the Mole today…I’m convinced that it’s the best show on TV..its so intellectually challenging and I love it! If you half crinkle up your fingers your skin looks like the film that forms over cold chicken soup – that’s what your whole body will look like when your old! I haven’t been to Melton since before I left for Christmas break…I should get some kind of award for that. When I’m old and rich I will pay someone to iron (i-run) my pants for me.

More goodness from the Sacred Romance, "Sometimes we wonder if we've ever been noticed. It is a rare soul indeed who has been sought after for who she is - not because of what she can do, or what others can gain from her, but simply for herself. Can you recall a time when a significant someone in your life sat you down with the sole purpose of wanting to know your heart more deeply, fully expecting to enjoy what he found there? More people have climbed Mt. Everest than have experienced real pursuit, and so what are we left to conclude? There is nothing in our hearts worth knowing. Whoever or whatever this mystery called I must be, it cannot be much....And so we live with the fear of not being chosen and the burden of maintaining whatever it is about us that might get us noticed and the commitment never to be seen for who we really are...Who am I really? The answer to that question is found in the answer to another: What is God’s heart towards me, or, how do I affect him? If God is the Pursuer, the Ageless Romancer, the Lover, then there has to be a Beloved, one who is pursued. This is our role." Good stuff...just read the book already.

And for those who keep asking me about the mysterious note left by the scary maintenance man…I threw it away…sorry. I know I’m no fun!!!

I finally have a mentor! A couple days ago I wrote that God told me a specific name of someone to mentor me and today her and I sat and talked for two hours and I cannot wait to talk with her again. She is an amazing woman of God and I’m thrilled about all I’m going to learn from her. In two hours it went from “hey I don’t know you” to “wow I have a new really close friend.”

Speaking of friends I have to say that I never realized how many of them God has blessed me with until now. In the last year I have taken so many people for granted. I am surrounded by such a fantastic group of friends who love me and when it comes to crunch time that makes all the difference.

A tip for the day…if you soak your retainer in drencher cleaner it might make you feel like an old man but it makes them almost pleasant to push back into your mouth. On the flip side, if you leave your retainer out for a long time and then try to put them back in only discomfort will follow.

I should be getting dressed for my first day of classes but I need to blog or I don’t know if I’ll make it though those classes. I have faced many things in my life and I figured I was prepared to face anything. I was wrong. Last night brought about the greatest anguish my heart has ever known.

Matthew and I are no longer dating. It wasn’t a mean break up, and no one dumped anyone. We talked for a long time and will continue to talk. I have never known the sort of pain that I feel right now though…it’s not Matt’s fault and he has no blame for this wound. Matt is the most amazing man I have ever met and I wish you all reading this only to ever see him as such.

I have so many questions. How do you make your mind switch from “this is the man I want to marry” to “he’s your buddy..hands off..he can go out with any girl he wants and you need to sit by and smile.” What really does become of the brokenhearted? How do you get your appetite back? What do you do when it’s three am and all you want to do is call the very man that you’re separated from and ask him if it was all a joke? Why when you are hurting the most does every radio station insist on playing love songs?

There is pain because weather I ever told Matt or not I loved him, and still do love him boldly. He is still the man I want to marry and I don’t know where to go from here.

Brad I hope you don't mind (I know you wont)...sharing some of our conversation because it was such an encouragement to me:

EpicHanSolo: Yeah, well ya know what, this might be part of God stretching you a bit more.

JessieKay212: amen and that's how I see it too.

EpicHanSolo: Good

JessieKay212: God is really going to challenge me this semester and that is just the beginning

EpicHanSolo: That's always a good thing. God is gonna step it up with me too this spring! I'm stoked

JessieKay212: It is exciting isn't it?!

EpicHanSolo: yes it is! I know that this is how we get closer to god

JessieKay212: Like I know its going to be painful and difficult but I'm thrilled about it

EpicHanSolo: yes, the pain is necessary. Well, that's what CS Lewis says

JessieKay212: and its good...that pain is the separation of the flesh..our body, it should hurt

EpicHanSolo: Yes it is

JessieKay212: but it hurts only because of sin

EpicHanSolo: AMEN!

JessieKay212: so boy am I going to hurt a lot this semester...

EpicHanSolo: me too!

JessieKay212: but with each battle that is won for God the spirit grows stronger....then again the battles get harder

EpicHanSolo: AMEN again

JessieKay212: who ever said the Christian life was easy was messed up

EpicHanSolo: amen. the burden is light, if we do it right

JessieKay212: Christ said he came to give us life more abundant you know....higher highs but that also means lower lows

EpicHanSolo: whenever you go high, the ground gets further away. get your eyes on the prize already! that's what God is yelling at me

JessieKay212: that's one thing that keeps coming back to me...even if its so simple: that its not enough to know something, when you know it you take action on it

EpicHanSolo: yeah, amen

I haven’t blogged in awhile but I have a very good excuse; I was away for a week on vacation in California. I’d never been there before. I’d never even flown before. What struck me the most about California was its natural beauty. I stood with the Pacific Ocean tickling my feet and as I looked back I could see sand, palm trees, and mountains dusted with snow all in the same look. It’s hard to believe that anyone can see that view that I did and deny God’s existence. It boggled my mind – the craftsmanship of a sand dollar, the contentment found in the sun’s rays, the way the ocean knows just when to stop crawling up onto land…it all screams of God’s glory. It is said that if we don’t cry out to God in praise then the rocks will cry out to God…seems to be a lot of that in California.

I have some news for all those reading. One I like to fly. Two I got my braces off today and love my teeth. And three..I'm in love (but more on that later....don't just skip to my last sentence!)

Last night as I tried to go to bed I couldn’t find rest. God kept calling to me and as I tossed and turned I just couldn’t silence the voice. In the coldness I crept back downstairs and sat in my front room and met with my Creator. I will tell you that He did most of the talking…He was very clear on things that need to change in my life and how He wants our relationship to change by the end of the semester but that that change needs to start this minute.

You see yesterday I prayed that God would search me and that this semester He would really “clean house” in my inmost being and really refine me in a hot flame until this dullness that hangs on me melts away. I was thinking that maybe He would challenge me once school started but God was ready to begin business last night.

One very cool thing that God talked to me about last night was mentoring. I am in a place where I am mentoring people and not being mentored and that’s not at all the plan that God has set up for us. I tried first semester to find a mentor but student ministries informed me that they could match me with no one and “better luck next time.” I asked a few people if they knew anyone willing to mentor and when everything came up dry I shrugged and thought about other things. Over break it has become so clear to me the necessity of a mentor and I’ve been discussing it with God. Last night we are in the middle of talking and then He clearly tells me a person’s name and then He didn’t say anything else. It was awesome…He gave me a path and now I just need to be faithful to take it.

This is getting long….there has been much going on and I haven’t written in a bit. Over the summer my camp friends forced me to read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge, it’s a book written for men but they promised me that I would learn a lot by reading it. One thing that really hit home for me was a chapter about women and how we crave to be seen as beautiful, to be fought for, and to be cherished. It’s true and we search for that craving to be filled trough our fathers, our friends, boyfriends, and husbands. We just want to know we are worth it.

Now yesterday I picked up another one of John Eldredge’s books, The Sacred Romance. These desires that us woman have are all quenched in Christ. He has specially created us, persues us relentlessly, and pours out his blessings onto us. He is the lover we all dream of. The one that will remain next to you through anything, who sees your beauty on your worst day, and will always surprise you with gifts of love (the sunrise, a bird’s song, ect.) So yes, it’s true, I am madly in love, and as corny as it sounds the holder of that love is my Savior.

I say it all the time, and I will say it again; we humans are silly creatures. We sit and worry about problems and so much in our life. We analyze issues and ponder questions for long periods of time. We wonder about what we should do and freak out when we don’t know which way to choose.

I am guilty of all of the above and through it I hear God as he takes me aside and says, “Jessica, these aren’t your problems to worry about, they aren’t yours to claim. When you came to me I told you that I’d be taking charge of your life – so daughter, these are my problems and I have them all worked out. Stop worrying, stop waiting, stop analyzing. I’ve got this stuff under control; what you need to do is take action. Do what I’ve told you and what I haven’t let you in on yet you don’t need to be concerned with.”

Too often friends, we care too much about tomorrow and we loose sight of the here and now. God can use you this minute, He will work through you this day – but you will be of no use to Him if you are weighed down with tomorrow’s troubles before you even start today.